The Lamentable Tale of The Boy Who Lived
by Hidden Firecracker
Summary: The unofficial biography of Harry Potter- written by Rita Skeeter; edited by Hermione; used as toilet paper by Ron…
1. Introduction

A/N: A very special and huge thanks to my beta **PigWithHair **and my pre-beta **jamy98** over at Checkmated (dot) com for helping to make this story what it is. These ladies are both highly skilled witches of their trade.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters and I certainly did not create this magical world. This is all borrowed without permission from J.K Rowling, but treated with respect.

* * *

A DAILY PROPHET EXCLUSIVE: RITA SKEETER'S NEW NOVEL, THE TRAGIC AND HORRIFIC LIFE OF HARRY POTTER

By: Hortencia Pettersmidt

Daily Prophet Correspondent

_Ms. Skeeter's courageous, sure to be best selling novel, entitled __**The Lamentable Tale of the Boy Who Lived**__, is destined to win the hearts of witches and wizards everywhere. This bold account of the reality of Harry Potter's life in the spotlight will bring to the world's attention how one boy took a taste of fame and turned it into a lifetime of exaggerated drama. _

'_Oh, I think you will find that Harry Potter had every opportunity to live a perfectly normal life,' laughs Ms. Skeeter. 'Here we have a boy who suffered the tragic loss of his parents, we can't argue that. Yet, at the urgings of other more powerful wizards and mentors, he took this event and carried it as his crusade.'_

_Ms. Skeeter has a knack of unveiling the truths and unraveling the mysteries behind our favorite celebrities. Most recently, Ms. Skeeter's novel, __**The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore**__, sold a record breaking amount of copies and dug deep into the fathoms of Dumbledore's private affairs. _

'_I am proud to say that I have done it again,' Ms. Skeeter proclaims. 'I have exclusive interviews from sources that have taught Mr. Potter personally, and have sheltered him throughout the years. I have an entire chapter devoted to the secret dealings between Dumbledore and Potter that differs greatly from my chapter about their relationship detailed in my previous book.'_

_Yet how could this be possible, given the fact that The Boy Who Lived remains hush hush about anything regarding his dealings with Dumbledore?_

'_I have new information from Dumbledore's Pensive that has opened up a whole new outlook on their private meetings in Harry's__sixth year at Hogwarts,' grins a proud Rita. Her groundbreaking investigatory journalism is a remarkable testament as to the lengths this reporter will go through to deliver us the truth. _

_In fact, we will find out WHY Harry was sent to live with his Muggle relations instead of being adopted by one of our fine wizarding families. WHY did Harry snub his nose at forming friendships with the sons of prominent wizarding families? WHICH house was Harry really supposed to be Sorted into, and HOW did he get around the Sorting Hat's system?_

'_Yes, Potter was quite clever in "getting around the system." In my book, I think you will find that he was more of a rule breaker in school and in life. I know that you have heard several of my accounts about his unstable and obsessive nature. Former Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge has attested to this. We can all safely say that Harry Potter is quite sane and did not lie about You-Know-Who.' _

_Harry Potter's sanity is undeniable, yet there still remains the question of his psychotic death wishes and pathological need for attention. _

'_My book merely delves deeply into the inner workings of Harry Potter and explains why all of these accusations were thrust upon him throughout the years. He is completely innocent of these accusations, and now we must know the real Harry.'_

_We all must remember that Potter correctly guessed the return of You-Know-Who, and led the courageous battle of Hogwarts that led to You-Know-Who's impending death. Still, many of us do not know that each of his brave victories were the result of his breaking the rules in the first place. _

_The charming Dolores Umbridge, recently appointed High Sanitary Engineer for the Ministry of Magic Facilities, was more than willing to comment on Mr. Potter and recalls one of the most rewarding experiences of her life—her service at Hogwarts. _

'_Of course many of Harry's old friends and acquaintances were more than happy to line up to tell his tale!' Ms. Skeeter boasts. 'But to read what they have to say, I urge you to buy the book.'_

_**The Lamentable Tale of the Boy Who Lived **__is scheduled to appear in bookstores this upcoming July 31, a birthday present of sorts for our very own hero as much as a treat to us all in the aftermath of this dreadful war. _

* * *

With a grunt of disgust, Hermione crumpled up _The_ _Daily Prophet's_ account of this latest best-selling novel and picked up her quill. This simply wouldn't do. Reaching for a stack of parchment, she hastily addressed her letter: _Rita Skeeter, attn: Harry Potter Book._ Pausing, she let the tip of her quill tickle her chin while she planned the most effective way to deal with Rita. It had to be something direct, bold, and attention grabbing.

_Dear Ms Skeeter,_

_It has come to my attention that you are writing a biography about my close friend Harry Potter. I'm sure that you remember our little bargain from a few years back? Now that the Ministry is re-organizing, they would be more than interested to know about a particular Animagus that has escaped their detection, don't you think? Honesty is a virtue, especially nowadays. _

_Regards,_

_Hermione Granger_

Hermione hummed to herself as she carefully folded the letter, knowing perfectly well she could expect a prompt response. Pigwidgeon echoed her hums with his hoots, ecstatic at the chance to deliver a letter. He had been out of work for quite some time while his family was busy dealing with the nasty business of Voldemort. Being back in commission certainly seemed to boost his spirits.

'Oi!' Hermione heard Ron's distinct grunt as she finished tying the note around Pig's leg. She had virtually no privacy between Ron barging into her flat at his leisure and Harry continually checking in on her. The boys opted to share their own flat and had been quite insistent that she room with them. It was probably about the fiftieth or sixtieth time that they dropped the word "bachelor pad" that she politely declined their offer. She knew that their flat would never end up being the bachelor pad they joked about, but living on her own was something she needed to try for herself.

The boys graciously respected her decision to live alone, yet a minimum of five visits a day between the two of them was absolutely necessary by their standards. Ron had his own dresser drawer of clothes and Harry kept a duffle bag there just in case they needed to sleep on the sofa if she ever felt scared. Ron even went as far as to let her borrow Pig in case she needed an owl for anything. She knew how much this gesture meant for him and although she would never admit it, she found their protectiveness endearing—annoying, unnecessary, childish and at times overkill, but enduring.

'Hermione, you there?' she heard Ron yell. She opened the window to let Pig out.

'You are allowed to ring the doorbell,' she yelled back. 'It's what most civilized people do before entering someone's home.'

'You would be the first to say that I'm not a civilized person,' he said as he entered the kitchen.

She couldn't help but to smile at herself. Something about Ron made it ok that he barged into her house at random.

'I know your mother raised you to be civilized,' Hermione retorted.

'Come on, you find me charming.' Ron grinned.

'I don't find breaking and entering charming.'

'Well, all of that aside, have you seen _The_ _Daily Prophet_ today?' Ron tossed a copy of the paper on her kitchen table.

'I have as a matter of fact, and I am in the middle of taking care of it. But the article doesn't change the fact that you and Harry have got to start calling before you come. What if I were in the middle of something? What if I were naked?'

Ron's impish grin did not escape her. 'Never mind, don't answer that.' She sighed.

'Uncivilized people enjoy seeing nakedness,' he said matter-of-factly. 'And what do you mean you are taking care of it?'

'You should know by now to just trust me. But how about this: what if Harry was the one to barge in and see me naked?' she challenged him.

'Then Chosen One or not, I would have to kill him. D'you think Harry has seen the article yet?'

'You acting like a primitive madman does not appeal to me. And you know Harry doesn't read _The_ _Daily Prophet_, so unless this was also published in _The Quibbler_ then I don't think he knows about Rita's book yet.'

'Doubtful. _The Quibbler _wouldn't publish that rubbish, and I don't think it's up and running right now. I think Luna and her dad want to rebuild their house before they start publishing again. So what would appeal to you, my lady?' He asked, raising an eyebrow.

'You knocking on my door.' She smirked as Ron rolled his eyes.

'Then how will I catch you prancing around your flat naked?' he asked.

'Luckily for us all I don't prance.' _We have shared three kisses and his mind already jumps to nakedness. Typical. _Three kisses did not entitle him to any undressing but now didn't seem the time to go into any of that. They were testing the waters, so to speak; they were having fun and taking things slowly so that they could comfortably make the transition from friends to more than friends. Apparently Ron seemed comfortable already.

'You're right, you're right. It would be hard for you to prance because your brain is so full of knowledge, that it weighs you down,' Ron said as he burst out laughing.

_Honestly! '_Ronald!'

'It's not my fault that you've read _Hogwarts, A History_ one too many times,' Ron grinned, pointing at the book that sat on the table. She ignored him, picking up her copy of _Hogwarts, A History_ to put back on the shelf.

'What, are you going to throw that at me now?' Ron joked dangerously, probably mistaking the reason for her picking up the aforementioned book. Either that or he was trying very badly to flirt with her.

'Don't tempt me,' she muttered as she turned around to take the book to its shelf. Still, he could use a nice thunk in the head. She paused and turned around, beaming innocently.

'Although, my brain…' She playfully threw the book in the general direction of Ron's head, surprising both him and her. He swore and ducked. She wasn't sure why she felt she needed to throw that book, but it just happened. It still didn't wipe that grin off of his face, either.

'Is not…' She threw the copy of _The Daily Prophet_ that he had brought. She decided that throwing books was an excellent way to make her point and that she should start doing it more often. It hit his arm and her subconscious told her that he let her hit him.

'Too full…' She threw a magazine in her direction which he caught in his hand. _Merlin, am I flirting? _She was not the book throwing type.

'Of knowledge…' She turned to pick up one of Lockhart's books but found Ron standing between her and the shelf holding her ammunition. She didn't mind him standing so close. _I am flirting. _

'Careful when throwing blunt objects at one bloody good Keeper,' he teased. Her heart sped up as they just stood there, staring at each other.

She didn't know whether to laugh or cry when a tapping on her window broke the subtle tension beginning to build. She decided on a laugh when Ron opened the window and Pig flew in carrying what had to be Rita's response. A quick reply was expected, but this was extraordinarily fast.

'Who's that from?' Ron asked as Hermione pulled the letter off Pig's leg.

'Shh. Why don't you grab Pig a treat? Top cabinet to the left,' she said distractedly.

_Dear Miss Granger,_

_Yes, you clever girl, I have not forgotten your promise. What is it exactly that you are suggesting?_

_-Rita Skeeter_

Perfect! Rita had played right into her hands. She ignored Ron's questions about whom the letter was from and grabbed her stationery to write her next note. This one had to be worded just right for her plan to work.

_Dear Ms Skeeter,_ she began.

'That's from Rita Skeeter!' Ron said as she tried to concentrate.

'Uh huh,' she confirmed as she continued to write.

'What does she want? You aren't going to give an interview about Harry?' he interrupted again.

'No Ron, I am not giving an interview,' she said distractedly.

'But then…'

'Ron, can you get Pig some water?' Hermione cut in. She smiled as he tended to Pig, knowing that he would be back soon with more questions.

_Dear Ms Skeeter,_

_I won't stop you from writing your book, if that is what you are worried about. However, the content must be the complete truth and favorable to Harry. Perhaps you need an editor? After all, it wouldn't do to have a poorly written book, would it?_

_Hoping you are well,_

_Hermione Granger_

'Are you mad? You want her to write that book! It's about Harry! Our friend, Harry,' Ron protested as he read over her shoulder.

She called Pig over to the table. 'It's genius, actually,' she spoke as she folded up the letter. 'See, Rita is going to write this anyway. We know that much. But I have arranged it so that I will edit her book and therefore keep tabs on everything she says about Harry.' Hermione tied the letter to Pig's leg and let him fly to meet her at the window.

'One thing I can say for your owl, Ron, is that his constant energy lets me send a quick response without him getting tired.'

'Wait. How do you know she'll let you edit her book?' Ron asked, ignoring the comment about Pig.

'In my first letter to her, I reminded her that we know about her being an unregistered and illegal Animagus,' she said.

'That's blackmail,' Ron commented.

'I know it's underhanded, but it will keep her in line,' Hermione said smugly.

'Are you planning on telling Harry about this?' Ron asked.

'Of course, the book is about him after all. I thought you might like to show him the article first, though.'

'You leave me to give the bad news,' Ron grumbled.

'You two do share the bachelor pad. Surely you have time for male bonding or whatever you call it,' Hermione said cheerfully.

'Men don't talk about shitty journalism in their bachelor pad. You know, we should have Ginny break the news to him. Harry won't be as upset if she breaks it to him.' Hermione laughed out loud at his hopeful look.

'Ginny will probably be more upset over it than he will, and then she will get him all worked up. It's not a good idea,' Hermione scoffed.

'She won't be worked up when she hears your brilliant plan,' Ron countered.

'So you are ok with Harry and Ginny going out again?' Hermione asked carefully.

Ron shrugged. 'It's fine. I think it's a good idea for them, as long as they don't tell me the details. Or let me walk in on them kissing. Or come walking out of broom closets together. And he better not hurt her or give her any false hope. As long as he doesn't have any mad wizards trying to kill him, then they should go out.'

'I'm glad to hear you say that,' she said, deciding to leave the subject at that. 'So you think the best way for us to tell Harry is to have Ginny tell him? I do think we need to break this to him as gently as possible. You know how sensitive he is about these sorts of things.'

'We're all his friends, I think he should hear it from you and me too,' Ron said.

'Yes, that would be best,' Hermione agreed. 'You don't think he'll be upset that I am going to edit the book?'

'Just explain it to him like you explained it to me. You're Hermione, you can do anything,' Ron said generously. 'So if you are going to edit her book, maybe we should also give her some interviews, you know, might as well give her some decent words about Harry.'

'That's not a bad idea, and I'm sure she will be badgering us for an interview as it were,' she agreed, noting his face light up when she agreed with him.

'In fact, we should just write the book for her,' he said.

'Or organize a Rita Skeeter book burning day,' she mumbled.

'Hermione! Burn books?' Ron asked, feigning a melodramatic display of shock.

'Well, just her books.' She smiled.

They were interrupted once again by Pig tapping on the window.

'The old cow must be close by, or overly excited about her new editor. That was fast, even for Pig,' Ron commented.

'Never underestimate a vile woman wanting her fifteen seconds of fame,' Hermione responded as she untied the letter from Pig's leg. Ron absentmindedly handed Pig a treat as Hermione unfolded the letter. They both huddled over the note to read the response.

_Dear Miss Granger,_

_I'm charmed that you have taken such an interest in my book. I'm sure I would be delighted to have an editor. I don't suppose I have to pay you as well? _

_-Rita Skeeter_

'Perfect!' Hermione said with satisfaction as she sat back down at the table with her stationery at hand and quill at the ready.

'Ron, grab some Floo powder from that tin over there and call for Ginny. Let's invite her over; we have some news to tell her,' Hermione instructed as she began to write.

_Rita,_

_Oh, I wouldn't dream of taking your money. I think of this as doing a public service. I'll be eagerly awaiting the first chapter. _

_And since we will be working together on a professional basis, I would be honored if you would call me "Hermione." No need to be so formal, don't you agree?_

_Yours,_

_Hermione_

'The wizarding world will finally get some truth from her,' Hermione said smugly as she sent Pig out the window.


	2. Chp 1: Potter's Parents, At Last

_To Miss Hermione: _

_Enclosed is the first chapter of my book. I did not protest at your generous offer of being my editor. However, I do expect a prompt return on your suggested revisions. Writing a 5,000 page (or more) book is trying, and I don't expect added stress. _

_-Rita _

CHAPTER ONE: POTTER'S PARENTS, AT LAST

Before a heroic Potter defeated the most evil wizard of all time, and even before a little baby earned a lightning bolt shaped scar, two school mates turned from mortal enemies to secret lovers. Of course you all know I speak of James Potter and Lily Evans Potter – two rival Gryffindors of two dramatically different backgrounds.

James Potter, the legendary father of our Mr. Harry Potter, was born of a very long and distinguished line of wizards dating back to the 1300's. The Potter family settled into the area known today as Godric's Hollow, but all of this you know. What you don't know is that James' parents, Walter and Belinda Potter, were only married six months before the birth of their one and only son, James Potter. Virtually every source close to James was wiped out in either the first or second war of You-Know-Who, rendering it difficult to go into great depth about James' parents. However, yours truly has discovered a packet of lost love letters between Walter Potter and Belinda Potter, _nee_ Bloomsworth. Their whirlwind courtship and runaway marriage left their parents (Harry's great-grandparents) in shock. They vowed to cut off support to their children, but quickly relented at the sight of adorable baby James.

Walter and Belinda's relationship was kept carefully hidden from their parents for the first two years of their courtship. At her age, Belinda seemed destined to become an old maid while Walter seemed destined to become an eternal bachelor. The one time Walter called upon Belinda's parents to ask permission to take her on a broom ride, Belinda's parents refused and declared Walter too old for their daughter. At the time, Walter was 39 and Belinda was 34. It is known through these letters that Belinda snuck away from home at nights to carry on her illicit affair. The Bloomsworth's attempts at sheltering their little girl seemed in vain at this point. Their trysts resulted in the birth of James, some two and a half years after their initial sneak-out. A complete copy of these letters can be read in this book's companion piece: _So Dear to My Heart: A Collection of Love Letters by Harry Potter's Grandparents. _

The illegitimate James grew up in a home with his devoted, attentive and overbearing parents. Coming from a line of prestigious wizards, James had much to live up to. It is thought that the pressure put upon young James caused his unruly and at times sadistic behavior at Hogwarts as a means of acting out. On the train to Hogwarts, it is noted in the memoirs of Severus Snape that James declared that he would be put in Gryffindor, or refuse a Hogwarts education. He arrogantly strutted about the castle, doing as he pleased. Much to the delight of James, he was a prominent member of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, earned an award from the school for special services, and later became Head Boy.

Snape's memoirs also recall times that James and his crew of miscreants would jinx kids in the hallway for no reason, he being one of them. James and his friends called themselves the Marauders, a term that is known for one who pillages and plunders. From Snape's account, this term seems to be appropriate for the group of four friends including: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. Readers can note that Lupin was a werewolf and Pettigrew died a most gruesome death at the hands of a deranged Sirius Black. We of course all know of Black's reputation. He betrayed James and Lily, murdered a street full of Muggles as well as his so called friend Pettigrew, and later led a mass break-out from Azkaban. (More about Black and Lupin in upcoming chapters)

Most notably, James knew of Lupin's status as a werewolf and kept that information secret and hidden for the benefit of their friendship. This author firmly believes that keeping secret information of potentially dangerous beings is not heroic and is slightly childish. At the time, the parents of every single child at Hogwarts during the era of Lupin's attendance there were unaware that a werewolf lurked in their midst. The potential harms of a werewolf living in the Gryffindor dormitory would be something that even the bravest of Gryffindors would think twice about.

That point aside, it can be generally agreed upon that our James Potter did not have the most winning disposition. He cared more for pranks and rule breaking than for being an upstanding role model. Some say his magical abilities far superseded expectations of his age group. This author can reveal to you readers that he taught himself and his friends how to become an Animagus by their fifth year at Hogwarts. Granted, that this comes from a vague memory from Snape's Pensieve, however this would not be surprising in the least. It would explain how the Marauders could leave the school at night and cavort around the Forbidden Forest, as Snape suspected was a regular activity for them.

James displayed other extraordinary talents such as breaking previous Hogwarts Quidditch records and becoming Head Boy. He even developed revolutionary magical proofs, which break down the magical theory behind a certain incantation. Once the theory can be analyzed, the theories can be rearranged to invent new spells and charms. It was during his Head Boy era that he supposedly began to slightly correct his miscreant ways. This turnabout was most likely the effect of working with none other than the so called good girl, Lily Evans.

Lily Evans, a Muggle born witch also containing extraordinary magical ability, had quite the opposite Hogwarts path than her future husband. Her Muggle beginnings makes it difficult to know much about her lineage, yet we do know that she had one Muggle sister, Petunia who coincidently raised Harry with love and tenderness. No doubt, our Hero's chivalry and bravery were most likely taught to him by his proxy parents.

Lily led her Hogwarts class in marks, founded the Charms Society, was a noted Potions student, and never received a detention during her first six years in school. Also a Gryffindor, it was said that Lily had spunk, charisma and a certain ability to hex anyone who did wrong by her. A stunning beauty, she also had her pick of the Hogwarts crop, often being seen with a different young man on her arm every month.

Severus Snape became her flavor of the month on more than one occasion. This could be the result of the two meeting and corresponding while growing up. The two developed a close bond that carried them throughout school. Then mysteriously, one day Lily dropped Severus forever and took up with James Potter. During her otherwise perfect career at Hogwarts, she became Head Girl and continued doing an outstanding job, devoting herself wholly to school service and to James.

For those who know Hogwarts history, the Head Boy and Girl used to share their own private dormitory with a common room and their own separate sleeping quarters. However, Hogwarts aficionados may note that James and Lily's year as Head Boy and Girl was the last year that students in this position of honor would be allowed to share their own private space. After their year, the Head Boy and Girl lived in their House dormitories, receiving private offices of their own instead of private beds. I'll leave this up to you readers to interpret for yourselves.

After the two left Hogwarts it didn't take long for wedding bells to ring. Strangely, their lives destined for fame and fortune seemed to halt when not too long after their wedding, they virtually disappeared and became low key members of society. What was not known at the time is that the Potters had joined Dumbledore's renegade society wishing to vanquish You-Know-Who by themselves to therefore receive all of the glory and praise. They obviously failed and many members of this first Order of the Phoenix group died in their attempts. Where they failed, the Potter's son succeeded, or so the world thought. This is where the story of Potter's parents leaves off and the story of Potter himself begins.

Hermione stared at this draft, speechless. There were not words that she could form to describe this…this…abomination. She was quite sure that she would need Ron to help her form the proper words, but there was no need for him, Ginny or especially Harry to see this draft. This needed severe edits. She checked her watch and sighed. Only twenty-five minutes until she was due to meet Ron and Ginny in the boy's bachelor pad to tell Harry about this book. That gave her enough time to start a letter to Rita.

* * *

_Rita,_

_How wonderful that we are now on a first name basis! I have read your first chapter and am quite literally stunned. I have the following corrections:_

"…_earned a lightning bolt shaped scar" — Harry never EARNED such a scar, he was brutally attacked therefore "unduly received a scar", "suffered the aftereffect of a curse", etc. would be more suitable._

_Not much is known about Harry's family, but you better be more than one-hundred percent sure that James was an illegitimate birth._

_James' sadistic behavior? Snape's memoirs? I see you snooped in Snape's Pensieve as well as Dumbledore's. You had better have had a Pensieve Search Authorization notice to search in those Pensieves. I am fairly certain that you are not blood related to Snape or Dumbledore nor had express permission from them to be searching their memories. If not, I could consider pressing charges, which would result in the termination of your book. I'm sure you can find another perspective on James' behavior— one that also notes his triumphs and good attitude. _

_Sirius did none of those things and his name is currently in the process of being cleared though the Ministry court systems. I suggest withholding any information regarding Sirius Black until the result of these hearings. _

_Remus never did anything to harm a student. The ONE student that ran into problems sought out the danger for himself. I also believe the Ministry is revamping the status of half breed status. I would be careful what you say about werewolves. _

_Now, if you'll please excuse me, I'll leave you to these edits and return to you promptly with my Lily edits. I know you are pressed for time and these edits should require the proper research and respect to Harry's parents. _

_Regards,_

_Hermione_

* * *

Hermione arrived at Ron and Harry's flat to find Ron sitting on the sofa, absorbed in _The Daily Prophet_. She wasn't sure if she had ever seen him that engaged in any amount of reading.

'Trying to find out if Rita put anything new in the paper?' Hermione questioned him.

'Shite,' he said, jumping at the sound of her voice and lowering the paper to look at her. 'Just don't come creeping up on me like that.'

'Where is Harry? Is Ginny here yet?' she asked, sitting down beside him and secretly pleased she had the chance to barge in on him for a change.

'Yeah, they're snogging in his room,' he said with a shrug. She raised an eyebrow.

'That's why his bedroom door is closed,' he continued, as if this explained everything. It wasn't that she wanted to push the issue or make a big deal about it, but Ron was acting like he was telling her about the latest Cannons match. Just yesterday he didn't want to know about any of Ginny and Harry's extracurricular activities.

'Don't look at me like that,' Ron muttered. 'I'll give him the big brother speech when they're done.' The way he said that made her wonder if he thought that she expected him to give a big brother speech.

'I know he'll probably get the big brother speech four more times, but you can never be too sure when Ginny's involved,' he continued.

'How long are we going to let them have their alone time before we tell Harry about the article?' Hermione asked, amused at Ron's behavior.

'Well, about another minute before I go pound on the door. Longer if you want to go to my room and snog,' he added with a sly grin. It was tempting, very tempting. But they had business to take care of first before she could get that allusive fourth kiss out of him. She had to concentrate now.

'I'm not going to jump up and kiss you just to give Ginny more alone time with Harry! Let's just discreetly knock on their door and get this over with. Then we can, uh, snog later,' she said blushing.

'I'm holding you to that,' he teased, while wagging his eyebrows.

The two stood up and approached Harry's door. They waited there a moment looking at each other. She really didn't want to interrupt, and she suspected that Ron had no burning desire to knock on that door.

'Seriously, my room is right there. They would never have to know.'

'Why are you so insistent on this now?' she asked in a hushed tone. 'You could have suggested this yesterday when we were alone in my flat.'

'Rita Skeeter and snogging just don't mix.'

'And how is this any different?'

'I've had more time to think about it.'

'Think about Rita or think about snogging?' she asked, really hoping that he would answer with the latter.

'Both,' he said earnestly. Well, at least he was honest.

'You just want to put off telling Harry, but it has to be done. I promised you our fourth kiss after we tell him, so let's just get it over with.' She really didn't know why she was fighting this at all. Who says no to a kiss?

'Fourth?'

'Never mind,' she said as she tried to hide her blush.

'You keep track!'

'I do not. Don't change the subject, I just don't want us to get distracted from the task at hand. But I suppose it would be rude to interrupt Harry and Ginny…' She let her thoughts trail off, knowing that she was caving in to Ron's offer.

'I thought snogging was the subject at hand and trust me, I won't get distracted. Not when I'm standing outside the room that my little sister and best mate are frolicking in.'

With that, he leaned down and gave her a quick peck on her lips. That was not how she expected the fourth kiss to turn out. It was so abrupt, it didn't last long enough, it was out on the landing, and she felt far too happily dazed to think anymore of it.

With a smirk, Ron lifted his hand and tapped on Harry's door. 'See, I promised I wouldn't get distracted and you promised me more snogging later. Our fifth kiss, is it?' he said, grinning.

She resisted the urge to find the nearest book and throw it at him for his sheer cheekiness.

They waited a moment before Harry opened the door slowly and looked sheepishly at Ron while Ginny came bounding up cheerfully behind Harry. Harry stared at Ron, almost as if asking Ron if he was ok with this. Ron must have picked up on this too.

'Don't worry about it, mate. Just don't kiss her in public, or our living room, any store back rooms, a broom closet, any beds, especially any beds, a Quidditch pitch, at the Burrow…' Harry raised an eyebrow and Ginny looked annoyed. Hermione noted how quickly Ron could change from the man who was on a mission to get her in his bedroom, into big brother mode.

'Uh, I think that covers it,' Ron finished.

_Boys. _Harry and Ron's friendship confused her at times, but she knew that the boys had come to an understanding and the subject would never come up again.

'Right, so should we all go to the living room so we don't have to stand outside Harry's room all night?' Hermione cut in. Harry nodded, looking relieved and they walked toward the living room. Ginny paused long enough to give Ron a big hug.

'You're a good big brother. Thanks for not being too big of a prat.' Ron reached over and patted her on the back, as a gesture of acceptance.

'But if a broom closet is all we can get, then a broom closet it will be,' she said before marching away. Ron groaned and Hermione took this opportunity to intervene on Ginny's behalf.

'If you just let that one go, I promise to give you a fifth, sixth _and_ seventh kiss.' She couldn't help but to blush. Was she being too bold?

'I just realized something, you've been saying 'snog' all afternoon,' Ron said, grinning. 'But I accept your offer.'

'Honestly, grow up,' she chided. He slung his arm around her and led her into the living room.

'So Harry, read any good articles lately?' Ron said as they all sat down on the sofa. Hermione shot him a look. That was a classic case of tactlessness.

'I think what Ron means is, we read a release in _The Daily Prophet _that said Rita Skeeter plans to write a book about your life,' Ginny said. Hermione and Ginny had agreed to take a quick and to the point approach while handling this.

'Rita wants to write a book about me?' Harry asked, somewhat stunned.

'Well, she is definitely going to write a book about you,' Ginny said.

'Can she do that? Without my permission?' Harry asked, looking at Hermione.

'Well, legally she can. It's a biography, which anyone can write about anybody. She can't legally say that you endorse it, but she can write it. I guess I could write a biography about you and so could Ron or Ginny. You could write one about me.' Hermione babbled.

'So she is going to write a book about me. Like Dumbledore's book?' Harry asked.

'That's her plan,' Hermione said.

'Listen mate, this won't be so bad. Hermione has a plan to keep that old hag in line,' Ron said.

'And what's that?' Harry asked.

'I threatened to report her for being an illegal Animagus all these years,' Hermione said confidently. 'I told her that I am going to edit her book and that she will make any corrections I give her. She won't give up her favorite reporting style as a horrid spy bug. How else does she get all the information for her vile exposés?'

'Well, if you think that's best,' Harry said doubtfully.

'Trust her,' Ron said.

'I do, but I still don't like the idea of Rita Skeeter writing a book about me,' Harry said.

'We can always put this in a positive light,' Ginny said. 'If we get the right kind of publicity out there, people will be on your side.'

'I thought Hermione is going to make sure that she writes the truth,' Harry said. 'So why would we need to worry about good publicity? I'd rather keep this low key.'

'Word is already out about the book and people are excited about it. They will expect a reaction from you, and the type of reaction you give them could make people think they are either about to get some juicy gossip or some lame account of your life. We have to make them think that this will be boring and not provocative,' Ginny said.

'What about my life would be provocative?' Harry asked, raising an eyebrow.

They were interrupted by Pig taping on the window. Hermione went over to let him in while Ron went to the kitchen to fetch Pig a treat. Harry looked at Hermione questioningly as Ron, Ginny, and she huddled over the letter that appeared to be from Rita Skeeter.

_Dear Hermione,_

_Our deal was to paint Harry in a favorable light, and we never made a deal for his parents—a fact that I can not control. I will look into the Pensieve issue and I'm sure I can add a nice adjective or two to complete James' profile that should make you happy. I also took into consideration you thoughts on Black and Lupin. I will mention on both accounts that the Ministry is reviewing their status. Are you ready with any Lily revisions? Might I remind you that I am on a schedule?_

_Waiting,_

_Rita_

'Is that from who I think it's from?' Harry asked warily.

'Yes, it's from that despicable woman, trying to weasel her way around our deal already!' Hermione fumed. She would have to remind Rita how useful her illegal Animagus form could be for digging up dirt for her awful style of journalism. It was all she could hope for that Rita wouldn't just decide to walk down to the Ministry and register herself, acting like she just learned this skill. She would deal with Rita after they were done talking with Harry.

'She wrote about my parents!' Harry said, after snatching the note from Ron.

'Why, yes…' Hermione began.

'What did she say?'

'She said they were lovely people,' Hermione hedged.

'_Hermione…'_

'Well, Harry, what exactly do you know about your parents?' she said, trying to put this delicately.

'You know exactly what I know about my parents. What did she say?' he asked through gritted teeth. Ginny and Ron just looked at each other. They had not yet seen the proposed chapter.

'She might have implied that your mum dated around, and Snape was mentioned,' Hermione said sensing it would be best to just come out with it, but delicately.

'How was Snape mentioned?' Harry asked impatiently.

'He might have been referred to as your mum's "flavor of the month,"' Hermione said. She recognized that look on his face. It didn't bode well for Rita, or for herself at the moment. 'But I am handling it,' Hermione reminded him. Harry seemed to be taking several deep breaths.

'So she all but said that my mum was a slag?' Harry said more as a statement than a question.

'Well…not quite,' Hermione said.

'Well that's what it sounds like! What did she say about my dad?' Harry snapped.

'She might have implied that your dad was, uh, illegitimate,' Hermione said.

'You mean illegitimate like a fraud?' Ron asked.

'Um, illegitimate as in he was conceived out of wedlock,' Hermione said quietly, not looking at Harry.

'How did she get this information?' Harry asked, pacing the room with a demeanor not too different from the summer when he had first arrived at Grimmauld Place after no one had been allowed to communicate with him. It was a Harry she never wanted to see again.

'She illegally looked into Snape's Pensieve, and found some love letters from your grandparents. She might have also mentioned something about writing a companion book publishing those letters,' Hermione offered meekly.

'So we have the cleverest witch of our age and your only plan is to maybe correct her through owl post with a small piece of blackmail?" Harry fumed.

Hermione saw Ron tense and was more than happy to have him sitting beside her.

'At least she's doing something! You don't have to take it out on her that Rita's an effing…arse,' he defended Hermione, and looked over in her direction to see if she noticed her language. She could care less.

'Harry…' she tried.

'And you could have run all of this by me before you started,' Harry interrupted.

'Harry calm down and think about this!' she hissed. 'She is going to write this book anyway, with or without our input. Now we can control what she writes!' Harry swore and crossed his arms. Ron gave him a look.

'Fine. I understand. You are trying to help. It's just my life and everyone has always just written what they want about it, why should a book by any different,' he brooded.

'But this will be different because we are going to make sure she writes the truth and treats you fairly. I won't say it's not going to be a battle, but this is one you don't have to fight,' Hermione said.

'Thank you for doing this, Hermione. I trust you. Now if you three will excuse me, I think I need to be alone for a second,' Harry sighed as he walked back to his room and closed the door.

Hermione felt strained and Ginny looked sympathetic. They understood how he felt and expected such a reaction. He had a lot to be upset about. Rita had insulted his parents, illegally gained information, and he was the subject of scrutiny yet again. Poor Harry could not catch a break. He just needed time to mull over this information and come to terms with it.

'Um, I guess now is a good time to put Rita back in her place and give her some corrections about Harry's mum,' Hermione said, looking uneasy.

'You and Ron take care of Rita and I will take care of Harry,' Ginny said. Hermione grabbed Ron's arm and started to lead him out the door, before he could say anything to Ginny.

'Thanks Ginny. Ron and I will be at my flat if you need anything,' Hermione said. Ron's eager expression made it apparent that he must have forgotten about monitoring Ginny when she was with Harry. Ginny's smirk did not escape Hermione's notice, either.

They Disapparated and entered her home. Hermione picked up her parchment and quill and handed Rita's chapter draft over to Ron, as an afterthought.

_Rita,_

_I would appreciate a look at your revised draft of this chapter before we continue. In the meantime, I feel that we need to talk about Lily. What proof do you have that she charmed all of the boys of Hogwarts?_

'Bloody Hell!' she heard Ron. _He must be reading Rita's chapter._ Hermione continued writing.

_I believe Snape admired Lily, but I don't recall him being her 'flavor of the month' as you say. In fact, let's delete that term entirely. _

'Rubbish,' she heard Ron mutter. She smiled to herself and privately agreed. She picked up her quill to finish the letter.

_I do consider myself a Hogwarts aficionado, and your assertion about the private Head Boy and Girl room is absolute rubbish. They did not switch to an office until six years after they were Head Boy and Girl. Refer to _Hogwarts, A History C_hapter 7. Either way, I don't like what you want the readers to infer from this. _

_Finally, the Order of the Phoenix is an elite and select secret society formed to stop Voldemort, yes that was his name, and they had no intention of seeking all of the glory. You treat their deaths as if they were strangers, and not friends and martyrs to Britain. Let's fix that as well. _

_Looking forward to more revisions,_

_Hermione_

'Hermione, Harry was not raised with love and a tender hand or whatever that deranged cow said,' Ron said, as he looked over her shoulder.

He was right, she thought. Rita should have thought that Harry's poor upbringing would have made a dramatic point, but she would probably misrepresent that as well.

Hermione added that fact to her letter and sent it out with Pig. This would be a little more stressful than she originally thought.

* * *

a/n: Thank you for all of the support and positive feedback, it meant a lot. A huge thanks to my betas **PigWithHair **and **jamy98** over at Checkmated (dot) com. for working their magic on this chapter. **PigWithHair** went above and beyond with her fact checking. This chapter truly wouldn't be here without my wonderful beta and pre-beta.


	3. Chp 2: Minded by Muggles

_Hermione,_

_It was the thrill of my life to receive your last set of edits. Your advice to look into Potter's relationship with his Muggle relatives proved fruitful and I think you'll enjoy this next chapter. _

_I'll be waiting at the edge of my seat to see what you have to send next. _

_By the way, I will need to interview you and your Weasley boyfriend for an upcoming chapter. _

_Best,_

_Rita _

Ha! Rita was a fool if she thought that she was entitled to mock Hermione like that. The flippant way she referred to Ron did not sit well with her either.

_Rita,_

_I'm tickled that you find our professional relationship a thrill. I would hate to keep you waiting at the edge of your seat for these next edits, but these things take time, do they not?_

_In the mean time, I feel that Ron — who you might know as my Weasley boyfriend — and I would be much more inclined to grant you an interview if you wrote to Ron personally. A few genuine words might not hurt either. When one asks for a__ favour__, one typically asks nicely and does not phrase their request as a demand. _

_Just some friendly advice,_

_Hermione _

Hermione watched Pig exit the kitchen window. Something about the letter didn't sit well with her, and it was a something that made her feel tingly inside. Rita referred to Ron as her boyfriend, and Hermione didn't even bat an eye. Was Ron her boyfriend? She didn't see why not. It didn't seem like anything that they needed to discuss. In fact it seemed natural and they didn't need that particular label to make their relationship any more or less special. So did that mean that she didn't need to keep counting kisses? It would stand to follow that if she thought of Ron as a boyfriend, she could kiss him any time she wanted. She let him barge into her flat any time he pleased. He also kept a trunk of his things waiting for those times he spent the night on the sofa. Ron would claim that it was for her protection, but she wondered. It didn't escape her that Harry also entered her flat at random and kept a duffle bag there for his nights on her sofa. But his nights on her sofa were few and far between.

Even though she knew there was no possible danger lurking near her flat, she always felt more peaceful and content when Ron stayed. She might fall asleep faster when Harry stayed on her couch, but then again he never gave her anything to think about before she fell asleep. Yes, the idea of Ron being her boyfriend was definitely appealing.

She sighed and picked up Rita's newest chapter. Work still had to be done and if she kept thinking of Ron, then Harry might find himself reading about the _Boy Who Lived An Outrageous Life._ The problem was she knew no one else would probably care about this project as much as she did, and no one else would be as willing to keep Rita in check as she was. She picked up Rita's draft and prepared herself for whatever the contents held.

CHAPTER TWO: MINDED BY MUGGLES

The wizarding world spoke in hushed but excited whispers. The date was 31 October, 1981 and rumours of You-Know-Who's demise spread as people huddled behind newspapers, clustered around tankards of drinks and listened from their fireplaces. On this night of nights, Hogwarts Deputy Headmistress Minerva McGonagall, Hogwarts Gamekeeper Rubeus Hagrid and Albus Dumbledore who needs no further introduction were not a part of such celebrations.

The little boy Harry Potter had done what no qualified wizard could do, but how? This particular point of interest can not be addressed without looking at evidence to be explained in my later chapter dealing with Dumbledore.

However, through the voice of Hagrid, I can paint the vivid image of the night young Harry Potter was dropped unceremoniously on the doorstep of his two misunderstood Muggle relatives. Hexes and curses gone astray left part of the Potter's home in ruins. It was in the wreckage of a broken home that Hagrid recovered baby Potter.

'It was me tha' showed up firs',' brags a barely intelligible Hagrid. 'Dumbledore sent me to get the little tyke and take him to his aunt and uncle's. He musta known that Harry would need some lookin' after.' By this time, large water drops leak from Hagrid's eyes at the memory of that night. This blundering display of raw emotion does not deter yours truly from deciphering the garbled mutterings of a half-giant who was expelled permanently from Hogwarts in his third year.

'Poor Harry didn' know wha' jus' happened. He jus' looked up at me with his big green eyes — real trustin' like. There was a big red scar on 'is forehead — it was like You-Know-Who took a knife and scratched out the lightnin' bolt 'imself. Not a scratch on 'im otherwise.'

Imagine that while the rest of us celebrated, a toddler was viciously ripped from his family and essentially carved by You-Know-Who. He would never again have a father to teach him to ride a broomstick or tell him about the birds and the bees. Never again would his mother cook for him or give advice about his first girlfriend.

'Poor kid musta fell asleep by the time Sirius Black come 'round on his flyin' motorbike to check on the Potters. Sirius said he had a feelin' something was wrong, see? Then he wanted to take Harry — said he was 'is godfather. But I had strict instructions from Dumbledore 'imself to get Harry to 'is aunt and uncle.'

From what we see here, Sirius Black had a 'feeling' that he needed to come check on the Potters that night. He didn't fight too hard to take charge of little Harry once he realized that You-Know-Who was defeated. Black also didn't stick around the scene longer than he had to, disappearing quickly into the night leaving Hagrid with nothing but his prized motorcycle. Apparently, Black was in an awfully emotional state, perhaps incensed that he did not arrive sooner.

'Sirius needed a good cry, so I let 'em an' I waited fer 'em to calm down. Anyways, Muggles started pokin' abou' so I took Harry an' left. Good kid. Never cried, never made one sound.' We may note that this behaviour may have been the start of Harry's emotionally stunted growth that we will se later on in his life.

As instructed, Hagrid left Harry on his uncle and aunt's doorstep in Little Whinging with nothing but a blanket and a note from Dumbledore. Dumbledore's reasons for this action can not be fully explained until my later chapter dealing with Potter's relationship with You-Know-Who. Disguised in her Animagus form, McGonagall stood watch and observed Harry's future family.

'Professor McGonagall said tha' they were the wors' sort o' people. She watched Harry until those dodgy Muggles picked 'im up.'

The dodgy Muggles in question, the Dursleys, are Harry's relatives with absolutely no imagination or tolerance of anything contrary to their narrow world. It was the shock of Vernon Dursley's life the next morning when he went to start his morning routine by fetching the newspaper and instead found a baby. Vernon was ready to leave Harry for the vulture's morning delight, but his reluctant wife said otherwise. Petunia Dursley had exposure to our magical world through her sister Lily Evans Potter. She persuaded her husband to allow their nephew to stay with them, knowing the power of Dumbledore through some mysterious past encounter.

Harry was immediately shunted aside and never given a second thought in the Dursley's minds. His bedroom became the cupboard underneath the stairs — home to spiders, dust, unwanted junk and an unwanted Harry Potter. Through the years, Harry would look forward to his time in the cupboard if it meant time away from the Dursleys.

Harry wasn't allowed to accompany the Dursleys on any important outing and was left at the babysitting attention of neighbour and Squib Arabella Figg — a batty piece of work in her own right. Old Figg shrewdly figured out that the Dursleys were in favor of anything that would make Harry miserable. Therefore, she mastered the art of bad baby-sitting so that the Dursleys would be willing to keep sending Harry to her. For, this she feels greatly regretful. However she proved useful in another sense – she monitored Harry and the Dursleys through her windows, observing the most ghastly treatment of our poor Harry.

While he was young, his relatives set him on the floor next to the kitchen table and put his food and water in dog bowls. He was not allowed to join the family at the actual table unless there was company. When he learned how to cook for the Dursleys, he was afforded a permanent place at the table. Harry had every incentive to lean how to cook at a very early age.

'He wasn't normal. He'd go "hocus pocus" and make things happen. Mum and Dad said he was a freak,' whispered his cousin Dudley, shaking at the mere memory of Harry. I found Dudley the only willing member of the Dursley family agreeable to talk about life with Harry. With Veritaserum and other more popular wizarding ways of gathering necessary and important information rendered unavailable in this instance due to their Muggle status, I was unable to obtain direct information from Vernon and Petunia.

Dudley hesitantly remembers his life growing up with Harry. 'He always wanted what I had. He tried to take my toys and would break them. Then Mum would buy me something better and Harry would get the old broken thing.'

If he was a hero to all of us, then he was the object of disgust to his family. Harry didn't get any toys unless he broke something of his cousin's. Even then his cousin was reluctant to give Harry the broken toy if it meant Harry touching his old things. He was forced to wear Dudley's old clothes, often looking like a misfit scarecrow. It has to be said that Dudley could be considered a half-giant himself. With his large size it was a mystery that he could even walk out of the door to talk to me. I believe that during our interview he used an entire park bench while your dainty author sat comfortably in a tiny corner of the bench, leaving enough room for five more large men.

For an education, Harry was specifically put in the special needs class with other delinquent children and slow learners. While I can not pretend to be an expert on the Muggle education system, it would seem that he was not given a fair chance to reach his full academic potential.

In fact, the Dursleys dismissed Harry as their disturbed nephew and tried to hide him from the world. Harry would act out, not knowing of his magical heritage. He would re-grow his hair after bad hair cuts, he would open locked doors and in general make other "freaky things" happen.

'He blew up my aunt once. He's mental when he's angry,' Dudley said, looking anywhere but at me. Apparently my presence made him uncomfortable.

'Mum and Dad just want to be normal because the world likes normal things. It was embarrassing to have Harry around. You never knew what he would do. Like the time we went out for ice cream and he wanted some, but he couldn't have any. We weren't sure if he would freak out or something because who knew one of _them_ could eat ice cream? So he started crying and made one of the buckets of ice cream fly out of its holder and straight over to him — with a spoon! We couldn't go back there ever again and I liked that place.'

The Dursleys were in fear and awe of their nephew. Dudley mildly recanted some of his previous views of Harry after our hero saved his life. Dudley admits that while Harry will always be a bit off his rocker, that he might not have been as mentally unstable as he once thought.

As he shifted uncomfortably on the bench, he told me some hints about his parents' behaviour. Petunia remembered the shame and rejection she felt when her sister Lily was plucked from the Muggle world and given an invitation to join the magical one. Their family was pleased to have a witch in the family while Petunia felt left behind. Vernon fancied himself the traditional working man who never wanted to deal with anything but the norm.

From this mentality, they tried to stamp out any magical signs from Harry by suppressing his creativity, sense of adventure, or contact with the outside world. He wasn't allowed to use the word 'magic' or the 'M' word as they called it. They thought that they could get rid of his magic by beating him with newspapers and poking him with sticks.

He wasn't allowed to paint or draw like a normal kid. This comes from one incident in Muggle school where the teacher asked the kids to draw a picture of their family. Harry drew Vernon and Petunia wearing robes and carrying broomsticks. The teacher chuckled at his vivid imagination, but Vernon promptly burned the picture and refused to allow Harry to ever draw again.

'Bunch o' codswallop. They told Harry tha' James an' Lily died in a car crash! They never told 'em he was a wizard. He didn' even know he was famous. It was me who told 'em abou' You-Know-Who and The Boy Who Lived an' all tha'.' At this point, Hagrid caused a small tremor as he banged his fist on the table.

In essence, Harry was never shown love, never given guidance, and never felt important. This all changed when Harry was given his Hogwarts letter and a new era of his life would begin.

* * *

_How about that, _Hermione murmured. It was a definite improvement from the last chapter. Rita seemed to capture Harry's time at the Dursley's in an almost poetic way. In all honesty, she couldn't say one way or another if most of that happened but from knowing about Harry's summer stays there, it didn't seem that far off the mark. If Rita wanted to write a lamentable tale about Harry, then this was certainly it.

Some of Rita's accounts could be lightened up a bit, though. It hinged a little on the dramatic side, and Harry would probably be embarrassed by some of Rita's more liberal descriptions. There was still work to be done about Rita's misinformed attitude about Sirius, and she certainly treated Hagrid with a lack of respect.

'Hermione!' She heard Ron's voice coming from the other room and rolled her eyes. If throwing books would not teach him to contact her before just barging into her flat, then she had no idea what would make the message sink in.

'You're just in time. I was about to give Rita some revisions to the latest chapter. Want to read it?'

'I'd rather visit Lockhart,' Harry said wryly.

'Oh! Harry…' Hermione trailed off, surprised by his appearance. She wanted to read Harry's mood before responding any further.

'Its ok, Hermione, I've accepted the inevitable. It's just a book, right? It could be worse.' His blunt attempt to disperse any possible tension impressed her.

She looked up to find Ron grinning. It was an adorable grin. She shook that thought out of her head. Harry was acting remarkably mature over this entire situation and that made her happy. If Harry could keep control of himself than that was just one less thing she had to worry about.

'Pig's at the window,' Ron commented as he and Harry passed the window and made their way to the kitchen. She really adored the way those two just made themselves at home and wondered that if they were so incapable of opening a window for an owl at their adopted home, then how did they manage at their real home? They started rummaging through her pantry while she stood up and opened the window.

'You could get him, you know.'

'I know.'

'It's addressed to you, Ron,' Hermione said, blushing as she read the envelope. Ron grabbed it and stood still for a second before turning his back to Harry and her. She noticed the back of his neck was flushed.

'That old cow sent me a letter. I don't care what rubbish she writes.'

'If it's a new chapter, just hand it over to Hermione. She'll take care of it,' Harry said, shrugging. He obviously wasn't too concerned over the matter or else he would abandoned his half made sandwich to help her edit.

Ron turned toward her and cleared his throat. 'It's addressed to _Hermione's Weasley boyfriend_.'

'So I read. That's why I handed it to you,' she said with a little more confidence than she felt.

'So you, uh, we are…and she thinks…'

'Yeah…'

'Me?'

'Well, would you prefer that I forward the note to Percy?'

'That prat? No…'

'She could forward it to Charlie, then,' Harry said with an amused look on his face, as he spread a layer of mustard on his sandwich.

'Charlie!'

She just ignored Ron and Harry. 'I was just as surprised as you, but it's not all that bad, is it? I mean you and I, we, it wouldn't be any different. I guess it would be a little different, but…' she was looking at him hopefully. It was time to settle this.

'A little different is good,' Ron replied, looking right back at her.

Hermione nodded her head in Harry's direction and said, 'We can continue this later. Let's read what she has to say.'

'You don't have to stop on my account,' Harry said with his mouth stuffed full of meat and bread. She could tell that he was having some fun at their expense, but when it came down to it Harry would want to be anywhere but here when she and Ron finished the conversation. Harry just didn't do well with awkward situations. Ron cleared his throat and began to read the letter aloud.

_Mr Ron Weasley,_

_As you may be aware, I am writing a small tribute to Harry Potter. I daresay it would not do the tale of Harry justice to leave out his longest and most loyal friend. After all, you are an upstanding and heroic man in your own right, not to mention a pivotal person in Harry's life. I would be honoured to arrange a small interview so that you may tell the true tale of your adventures with Harry. _

_Best wishes,_

_Rita Skeeter _

'Huh. Well how do you like that? I'm pivotal!' Ron said.

'Well what do you know? She really outdid herself,' Hermione commented.

'What do you mean?' Harry asked as he gulped some water.

'You are getting as bad with food as Ron is,' Hermione muttered. 'But Rita wrote me earlier and demanded to interview Ron and me. I told her that I would think about it if she wrote to Ron and if she asked nicely. I daresay she must be desperate!'

'How come she hasn't asked me for an interview yet? Isn't the book about me?' Harry asked as he finished his last bite.

Ron, who was too interrupted by Rita's letter to make himself a sandwich earlier, walked over to begin making his own snack. 'Dunno. Maybe she thinks that you would say no.'

'I did give her an exclusive about Voldemort's return for _The Quibbler_. Why wouldn't I want to talk to her?'

'Do you want to talk to her?' Hermione asked with a raised eyebrow.

'No, I don't.'

'Well, either way, we need to decide what we want her to know and what we don't want her to know. Ron and I can do the interview so she gets some facts straight. Besides, this will give me a chance to meet with her in person and remind her to write something favorable about Harry.'

'I suppose I'll do the interview with you, if you think that's best,' Ron said, staring blankly at Rita's envelope.

'It's decided then. Now, do we want to tell her about Horcruxes and Hallows? If we do we'll have to tell her how we destroyed them and all,' Hermione said.

Ron and Harry looked at each other and she knew what they were thinking. What Voldemort did to his own soul was an important part of Wizarding history and people needed to know. It was how he kept himself immortal and how Harry managed to defeat him in the end. They needed to tell the story and how horrible it all was to keep history from repeating itself. Rita would surely paint a vivid enough picture to deter others from wanting to do the same thing.

But that was the exact point. Once history was written down it was there for anyone to find it. A bad wizard could take that idea and try it again. They might think of a more clever way to hide their Horcruxes or perhaps a way to make them indestructible. Voldemort did a pretty good job of that himself, but who's to say that someone won't have more ambition. History repeats itself, and what's to say that telling this story wouldn't give some bad wizard the tools to recreate it?

But if someone really wanted to do something so horrible, they would figure out a way to do it. People do need to know every possible scenario so that they can counter it, right?

'I think we need to tell the public everything,' Hermione said softly. She couldn't gage a reaction one way or another from Harry's face. They sat thinking for a moment.

'Horcruxes, not Hallows,' Harry finally replied. 'I don't fancy anyone trying to find the stone I dropped or wasting their life away trying to put the three together. The Elder Wand causes enough destruction as it is. So no Hallows.'

Hermione nodded and Ron was still looking down at the envelope.

'Horcruxes — that's a big decision. We could just tell the world that we went looking for Voldemort all those months and no one would know the difference. It could be dangerous to have that information out there,' Harry said.

'I thought that too, but then if a person really wants to find it, then they will. The best we can do is equip the world with the solution to stop it, if it happens again,' said Hermione.

'But Tom had a hard time finding that information out as it was. If it wasn't for Slughorn…' Harry said as the rest of the thought didn't need to be finished.

'Let's face it, there will always be a Hermione in the world,' Ron said. She looked at him quizzically. 'I mean, there will always be that person who can research everything and find an answer to anything. You know, those determined people. You said Tom was a clever student himself.'"

'He had to be to be able to do everything that he did,' Harry muttered.

Hermione looked appreciatively at Ron. 'Well, Tom might have found out how to make Horcruxes, but I never would have thought to look them up specifically. We were lucky that Dumbledore wanted to get Slughorn's memory, or else there's a chance I never would have made the connection between Voldemort and Horcruxes.'

'And there might not always be another Dumbledore with all the answers,' Harry said duly.

'But Dumbledore was that Hermione type, and there will always be one of those on each side,' Ron said.

'So do we tell her about them or not?' Hermione asked.

'I can't believe we haven't talked about this before. I mean we keep avoiding those reporters, but we knew this would happen sooner or later,' Ron commented.

'Well with the direct shock of the Hogwart's Battle gone and now that a few weeks have passed by, people will be starting to ask more questions,' Hermione said.

'We haven't really told your family yet, Ron, or any of the Order. If we tell Rita, then we should at least tell them first,' Harry said.

'I say we'll have a better chance of making it onto a Chocolate Frog card if people know that we did more than just camp out waiting for Voldemort to attack Hogwarts,' Ron offered feebly.

Harry laughed. 'I think we'll have cards made either way.'

'Then I say we tell her,' Hermione said. 'Wizards come and go from power but the really evil ones seem to use different means each time. I can bet that one day there will be another Voldemort, but I am pretty confident that this person won't use the same trick twice.'

'She is the one who stayed awake during Binns' class,' Ron snickered.

Harry seemed to be choosing his words carefully. 'I trust you to tell her everything you need to tell her, while leaving out the personal things that people don't need to know.'

'And I agree with Harry that we should tell my family and the Order first. If the world is going to know, then it's the decent thing to do — tell them in person and all. I reckon we should tell the DA too,' Ron said.

It was a fair answer and one that she could agree wholeheartedly with.

'Well, if that's all then there are some things I need to correct for Rita here on Harry's sad upbringing,' Hermione said.

'Harry, you can go since you don't want to read it, and I'll stay and help Hermione,' Ron said quickly. Harry smirked and started walking toward Ron, making sure to flick the envelope he still held.

'I'll leave you two to it, then. I'm sure things will be…productive.' Ron snatched the envelope and stuffed it in his pocket. They stood in silence until they heard Harry leave.

'So,' he said, turning toward Hermione. 'Things will be a little different?'

'Yeah,' she said, trying not to blush. He seemed to be struggling with his inner thoughts.

'I, uh, I'm sorry. I don't know what to do now,' he laughed awkwardly. He didn't need to do anything but be himself, but she didn't know how to tell him that.

'I don't know why this is so…strange for us. I mean, it should be easy. It's not like this is too different.'

'I think things work better for us when we don't have to say them out loud.'

'That's rubbish. I like you. I want you to be my boyfriend.'

'Well I like you. I want you to be my girlfriend,' he said as he took a step closer to her.

'That wasn't so bad,' she teased.

He reached out and hesitantly took her hand. They had touched hands before but never after affirming their feelings like that, never with their hearts insanely beating and never while wearing matching shy grins.

'And we'll stop counting kisses?'

'I guess we'll have to. Not even I want to count that high.'

'That's good,' Ron said as he leaned forward. She couldn't help but to stifle a giggle. The way he had to bend his knees and bow his neck like a Hippogriff just to reach her level — well she never noticed how ridiculous it was. She had also never felt this giddy before. Then he kissed her.

Hermione's mind went into overdrive. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Whoops. There went ten, eleven and twelve all at once. Thirteen. What came after thirteen again? Wow. Fifteen. Sixteen. Did _that_ thing he just did with his tongue deserve three counts? Twenty-five. Uh, thirty? Oh bugger it all…

* * *

_a/n: I just wanted to thank all of you for reading and for giving this such a positive reception. Its fun writing Rita, and Ron/Hermione are just writing themselves for me. A huge thanks to __**PigWithHair**__. We are going on a new adventure together and she has been so helpful in making all the changes. Wish us luck as we master a new skill. Also, a big thanks to __**jami98**__ for helping me throw out the cheese. _


	4. Chp 3: Many Misadventures of Hogwarts

_Hermione,_

_I'd like to confirm our little meeting. I assume that you and your Weasley boyfriend will be prepared for my arrival at two o' clock sharp? I'd like to get straight to business, therefore tea or other such pleasantries will not be necessary. I suppose I should thank you for the generous offer of using your flat to conduct our business. _

_I have here the next chapter, peppered with several credible sources. I do hope this brings a smile to your day. _

_Rita_

CHAPTER THREE: THE MANY MISADVENTURES OF HOGWARTS

At last, our young hero enters the most exciting stage of any magical child's life: the formal training in an art form only understood by wizards and witches. He will enter the period of preparation for adulthood, thrust among hoards of peers, and catapulted into a world he had only known about for a week. For all intents and purposes, the Boy Who Lived was nothing more than a Muggle-born for all he knew (or rather didn't know) of the wizarding world.

At this juncture in his delicate life, Harry could have been groomed to live the stable life of any respectable wizard. Instead, his life was plunged into chaos and made decisions seemingly tailor made to lead him down the path to an eventual confrontation with You-Know-Who.

I feel it prudent to begin with Harry's first visit to Diagon Alley, made with the unfortunately unforgettable half-giant Rubeus Hagrid.

'Dumbledore trusted me ter take him and help him get his school things. Poor kid was askin' all kinds o' questions. He didn' know goblins ran Gringotts or tha' we have a Minister for Magic. He didn' even know how ter pay an owl.'

Hagrid speaks as if this condition of ignorance was commonplace for extraordinary heroes. When one considers how far removed Harry Potter was from his own world, one would imagine that young Harry would jump at the chance to befriend high class wizarding families who could teach Harry a trick or two. Most surprisingly enough when one young wizard who was from (at the time) one of the most esteemed families offered the hand of friendship and guidance to Potter, our very young Potter slapped his hand and made a mockery of the generous offer. Harry chose instead the company of Hagrid and trusted in Hagrid's wisdom to guide him in all things magical.

The young wizard whose esteem I refer to is Draco Malfoy of the once venerated Malfoy line. Although the line is now questionable, we must not forget that Draco would meet Harry before other such sordid affairs would bring shame to the Malfoy name. Draco and Harry were classmates together at Hogwarts. By lucky circumstance, I happened upon a trusted friend of Draco and another fellow classmate named Gregory Goyle whose insight into Harry's younger years proves to be most illuminating.

'Draco always said he met Potter at Madam Malkin's place. He tried to talk to Potter, but Potter just looked at Draco and growled.' Clearly we can note that his upbringing by those squalid Muggles left him with a noticeable lack of social awareness.

'Draco felt bad for him since he was raised Muggle and figured that he didn't know how to treat one of his own. When Draco saw Potter talking to the Weasleys on Platform 9 ¾, he decided to try again. He wanted to help Potter, you know? So there we were on the train and that's when I saw it for myself: Potter looked at us and snarled real loud. His eyes got all dark. Potter all but told Draco that he was the wrong sort of person. Then Ron Weasley told his really big rat to bite Draco. After that Draco knew a lost cause when he saw one.'

So why would Harry snub his nose at a perfectly honest friendship? It's anybody's guess but Goyle feels like Harry was jealous of Draco's wizard upbringing. Yet another fellow classmate and friend of Harry, Neville Longbottom, offers his meek opinion that the dynamic between Harry and Draco was just plain scary. When they came into contact with each other, it seemed to bring out the inner animal in each of them, and unfortunately we are not talking about animals of the small and furry nature.

Perhaps it is Harry's misfortune in the social skills lottery that should concern us as readers, yet that small matter is rather trivial when compared to the amount of unwarranted troublemaking Harry made. Longbottom was fortunate enough to accompany Harry on one of his earliest excursions.

On this particular incident, Harry challenged Draco Malfoy to a midnight duel, using Ron Weasley as his second. The intended use of a second clearly means our misguided Harry was more than serious about this little caper. Naturally, Harry lost his nerve and ran back to Gryffindor Tower.

This was not the occasion that landed Harry on caretaker Argus Filch's radar, yet this next display of blatant rule breaking happened not too long after the almost duel. By a complete accident, a troll was unwittingly let into Hogwarts. Upon discovering this, the rather daft Defense Against the Dark Arts professor fainted. Why is that tidbit important? Because Dumbledore ordered the students back to their House common rooms immediately, yet Harry and Ron Weasley decided that since their Defense professor was passed out, that they could better handle the troll than the other hoard of trained professors ready to deal with the situation. While nearly getting classmate and friend Hermione Granger killed, they actually defeated the troll. It was not clear how Harry dragged Granger into the situation, but such is the talent of Harry: to involve others in his poor choices.

As Filch tells it, Harry only earned the fame of being the youngest House Quidditch player in a century by getting into trouble. Goyle agrees. Goyle remembers how Draco picked up Longbottom's lost Remembrall, intending to deliver it to poor Longbottom in the hospital wing. Yet, Harry attacked Draco during a flying lesson, forcing both boys into a mid-air brawl. Professor McGonagall caught Harry in the act and decided to make him Gryffindor Seeker, rather than give detention for such naughty behaviour. As Goyle remembers it, poor Draco suffered in the hospital wing for a week.

Perhaps the climax of Harry's first year was the day he led his friends, Ron and Hermione, to face You-Know-Who in a parasitic form. I feel my readers all gasp as one. I gasped too. The events I am about to transcribe are not known to the populous and I had the privilege of using my A-Class status press permit to divulge in Dumbledore's Pensieve to rescue this long forgotten memory.

It seems an essence of You-Know-Who attached itself to Defense Professor Quirrell and used the good professor to complete a mission of finding the Philosopher's Stone so that You-Know-Who might achieve an immortal life once more. By now, I sense the reader's head is spinning. My head was too when I first delved into Dumbledore's Pensieve with my A-Class status press permit. To understand this reference to You-Know-Who and to fully understand how he died and was reborn again, I must urge patience from my readers who will find all the information in my later chapters. To truly delve into that topic would cause me to digress from the true matter at hand.

In essence, a series of magical tasks guarded the Philosopher's Stone to prevent theft. Harry practically forced his friends, Ron and Hermione, to help him get past these magical tasks so that he could prove that he is every bit the hero that his legacy has made him out to be. We must remember that by this point in his life, poor Harry is confused about his miraculous survival as a baby, he is socially inept, and he has by now heard all of these stories shoving him on a pedestal. He feels he has a reputation to uphold.

Information from Dumbledore's Pensieve becomes hazy at this point as this is merely a memory of Harry telling Dumbledore a story. My interpretations of the situation follow as thus: the three friends fought off a giant three-headed dog raised by Hagrid, then passed through a jungle of Devil's Snare, and then found a metaphorical needle in a haystack or rather a flying key amongst millions of flying keys to open the door to a rather viciously charmed chess set. Then, Harry ordered Ron to sacrifice himself in this chess game to allow Hermione and himself to pass through to the next task. Here, Harry figured out a potions riddle and forced Hermione to take the potion to send her backwards, while saving the entire bottle of potion that would allow him to move forward, for himself.

Now having used his friends, he faces the You-Know-Who essence via Professor Quirrell and saved the day. Readers can note that Harry wanted the fame and praise for himself.

The Philosopher's Stone was crushed to dust, no doubt infuriating You-Know-Who and increasing his vehement vengeance against Harry. The poor boy makes enemies as easily as an owl carries mail.

For all of you keeping score of the Harry vs. You-Know-Who encounters throughout this book, we have Harry Potter: TWO and You-Know-Who: ZERO. With this, we can conclude Harry's rather turbulent first year of Hogwarts. For most of us that would have been enough excitement for life but not for Harry. His penchant for unnecessary heroics continues to increase during his second year.

By Harry's second year, he had some time to figure out the wizarding world and his place within it. As he became more comfortable within this world, he chose unwisely to divulge certain hidden talents with his peers — mainly his ability to speak Parseltongue. If you felt a shiver go down your spine, then you are not alone. Classmate Ernie Macmillan solemnly remembers a time at a Dueling Club meeting that Harry spoke in Parseltongue and set a venomous snake on a Muggle-born classmate, Justin Finch-Fletchley. Luckily for our young students, the renowned Gilderoy Lockhart was there to set things straight. It really is a pity that later on this very year, he would suffer a terminal mind injury with Harry Potter as one of two witnesses to it all. However, I digress once again.

Harry being a Parselmouth becomes important because this is the year that the Chamber of Secrets was opened and a Basilisk was set free to roam around the school for the second time in Hogwarts' history. Now a Basilisk can only be controlled by a Parselmouth and an heir of Slytherin himself. Remember, this fearsome creature can kill on impact with one look into its eyes, or it can petrify you if you catch its reflection. Hagrid, accused of unleashing the Basilisk for the first time, was still on school property at the time. Potter exposed his flawless Parseltongue abilities. Coincidence?

I was clever enough to find a particular memory in Dumbledore's Pensieve revealing a conversation between Harry and Dumbledore. It seems that Harry had concerns about which House he should have properly been placed in. The Sorting Hat more than mentioned that Harry would have been a fine fit for Slytherin. Yet Harry chose not to accept Slytherin and ended up in Gryffindor. According to memory, Dumbledore believes that Harry made that choice and is a true Gryffindor none-the-less. I feel that if the hat found traits for one House, then the student should be in that House, but this is not the place for a philosophical debate.

This is also the year that Hermione Granger revealed herself as a most clever and astute witch in her own right. This radiant young school girl brewed up a successful Polyjuice Potion in the girl's bathroom.

'Nobody ever cares about me! But Hermione talked to me. She found some boys and brought them into my bathroom. The red haired boy didn't like me at all, but Harry did. Harry was always nice.' No one would know better what goes on in her bathroom than the saggy, soppy, bellyaching Moaning Myrtle. Miss Myrtle remembers how the stunning Hermione single handedly brewed the Polyjuice Potion at the forceful suggestion of Harry, who wanted to use it to spy on some Slytherins.

'I think the whole thing was illegal, but Harry said it was a good idea.'

Never mind that Harry sabotaged the potion of one of his most loyal friends.

'Hermione turned into a cat! Then she ignored me. The red haired boy looked like he wanted to pet her. But Harry just looked at her in a nice way. Harry was always nice.'

After nearly the entire Muggle-born population of Hogwarts had been petrified, Harry finally decided to take action, once again dragging along his friend Ron Weasley. His most gifted and able-minded friend Hermione lay among those petrified. As a small side note, Ron's younger sister Ginny Weasley had been captured and taken inside the Chamber of Secrets.

Using his Parseltounge to open the Chamber, Harry, Ron and Professor Lockhart battled their way in. From Dumbledore's Pensieve, we know that You-Know-Who hid a portion of his soul inside a diary. He crafted this diary to portray a ghostly memory of his young school self. Some may remember that he went by the name of Tom Riddle in his Hogwarts years.

Harry used a poisonous Basilisk fang to pierce the diary and in essence kill that portion of You-Know-Who's soul. He also killed the Basilisk and saved Ginny Weasley from a most certain doom. We now have Harry Potter: THREE and You-Know-Who: ZERO.

At the end of this adventure, the group resurfaces from the Chamber of Secrets with one mindless Professor being the victim of a 'backfired Memory Charm'. Harry also stumbled upon the sword of Gryffindor during this process.

Despite all of Harry's poor judgment in these situations, he was unduly praised for bravery and other such Gryffindor traits. At such a young age, all of this attention indicated to Harry that it was ok to manipulate friends, dive into danger and seek glory. If Harry had more stable mentors and more genuine guidance, then would he have developed into a more humble and normal young man? The world may never know.

* * *

'Hermione?'

'…'

'_Hermione_?'

'…'

'Hermione!' Ron yelled louder this time, bringing Hermione back to the reality she knew — not reality as Rita perceived it to be.

'I'm sorry, Ron. For a moment I thought Rita might have got confused and switched Harry and Malfoy's names around and then wrote a story.' She was very much aware of her sarcasm. Hopefully Ron would not think that she was taking her frustration out on him.

'Huh? That would turn Malfoy into a decent bloke and Harry into a sniveling ferret.'

'Rita Skeeter managed to turn Malfoy into a decent bloke _and_ turn Harry into a horribly misled fool, but I believe she used the word 'snarling' instead of 'sniveling,'' she said, practically seething. Honestly, if Ron had read it, he wouldn't see this as a joke.

'Rubbish.'

'Exactly, and you don't know the half of it!'

'No, I mean just toss me her letter and I'll make good use of it. I need some rubbish paper for the loo. You're out of paper.'

'_Ron_!'

'What?'

'I'm serious! She made Harry out to use us for his own personal gain. We were forced to help Harry with the Philosopher's Stone. Everything _we_ did to help him just became irrelevant because Harry thought of it first and then forced us to be his fawning fan club. Oh, and Harry growls at people.'

"Huh? Let me see…'

'She can't get away with that just by calling me smart things while brewing Polyjuice Potion!'

'How does _she _know about the Polyjuice Potion?' she noticed the teasing smile fade from Ron's lips only to be replaced by a thin, serious line.

'She interviewed Moaning Myrtle,' she said and Ron raised an eyebrow. 'Now that I think about it, if you consider her sources then of course Harry would be a deranged git while Malfoy was a saint. She also interviewed Goyle of all people. Goyle!'

'That's bollocks. He couldn't have said anything real. He probably had Malfoy telling him exactly what to say!' His face contorted with resentment.

'Anyways, I don't know how she managed to write Harry's first two years without interviewing us first. She did rope in poor Neville for an interview.'

'What time is she coming over to interview us?' Ron asked.

'In about twenty minutes.'

'Good, that gives me just enough time to read that thing and use the loo,' he said grinning as he snatched the draft and went down the hall.

'If I find that chapter flushed then you can forget all snogging privileges for the next month!' she called after him.

'Irregardless, you wouldn't want to punish yourself, too!' Ron yelled back.

_Regardless, not irregardless_ she muttered under her breath, yet agreeing with Ron that if it ever came down to it, she would have to find a punishment for Ron that would not make her suffer at the same time. Such as making him read _Hogwarts: A History_ out loud to her in exchange for more snogging. That was a thought.

* * *

Rita Skeeter pressed the buzzer promptly at two o'clock, per previously arranged. She came regally dressed with all of the entitled arrogance of a prize peacock. Hermione and Rita took a well deserved moment to measure each other up.

'Hermione, we finally have the time to sit down and chat. Should I show myself in?'

'Yes, I'm dreadfully sorry. Please come in, and I'm overwhelmingly pleased to have you in my home,' she said, matching Rita's tone and gesturing for Rita to follow her to the sitting room. Rita made a show of dusting off her seat before primly sitting down.

'Ugh! What _is_ that thing? Get it away, it looks like a pig with hair,' Rita commented dryly as Crookshanks sauntered into the room.

'We love that pig with hair and it has more sense than you do! Besides, it's not just a pig with hair — it's a loyal and, uh, friendly pet,' Ron said defiantly as he came into the room and sat next to Hermione.

'Just because I call him that doesn't mean she can.' Hermione heard Ron grumble in her ear. She put kisses seventy five through one hundred on her list of things to do immediately after Rita leaves. Well, seventy five was a fair guess of where she would need to start up at again, but who knew for sure? Either way, for Ron to defend Crookshanks of all things deserved her attention.

'Well I suppose that ball of scruff should conduct the interview, then? After all, we wouldn't want animals of mere human intelligence to do all of the work. Either way, that thing is distracting.'

'Well we let him roam where he wants to, especially after he started catching Death Eaters for us. Right handy that animal is,' Ron said nonchalantly.

She assumed Ron was referring to Crookshanks hissing at Wormtail back in third year, but Rita didn't need to know about Crookshanks' hidden Death Eater detection powers, or really, lack thereof. By this time, Crookshanks was regarding Ron carefully.

'I suppose next you'll be telling me that animal has been accepted to the Auror Academy? Well no matter, let's get started.'

'Yes, let's get started. First I want to say on mine and Ron's behalf that we have never, not once, been forced by Harry in any way to accompany him on any You-Know-Who thwarting plans. We worked as a team, we never set out to break any rules, and we certainly would never have allowed Harry to do anything to put us in a situation that we would not have gladly already participated in. All past references in you book as well as all future references to our adventures will reflect this.'

The two women stared at each other, neither breaking eye-contact. Rita was not foolish enough to underestimate this particular opponent. This game would have to be played carefully and she knew this Granger girl would match her step for step.

'If the situation warrants teamwork, then I will grant you that,' Rita said airily, taking out her parchment and Quick-Quotes Quill. The contemptuous looks on Ron and Hermione's faces did not escape her, and she felt the need to address this.

'As a professional responsible for keeping the public informed, I could no more take a Quick-Quotes Quill from a journalist than I could take a wand from an Auror,' she said. She had the right to use the tool of her trade.

'It makes no difference to us. After all, I'll just edit what you write later,' Hermione countered. Rita cleared her throat and ignored that last bit.

'So, Hermione, tell me about your friendship with Harry,' Rita asked, knowing to begin with the lighter and less suspicious questions to get an interviewee more comfortable.

'I'd say that Harry and I trust each other, enjoy each other's company, and know each other like a brother and sister would. I guess you could say that we grew up together and have helped shape each other's lives.'

_Harry and Hermione are like a brother and sister. How charming. _Rita glanced down to see what her Quick-Quotes Quill was picking up. So far, nothing more interesting than dishwater.

'Uh huh, and tell me more about how you grew up together.'

'Well, as you might be particularly interested in, we both grew up in non-magical homes. When we came to Hogwarts, neither one of us knew too much about the magical world.' Hermione paused when Ron snorted. 'Each time we went on one of our 'adventures' together, as you like to call them, we started to learn our strengths and weaknesses and how to use those as a team. As we learned those strengths, we all three helped each other develop them and we helped each other improve our weaknesses.'

_Harry, Ron and Hermione live in a sugary world of gumdrops and rainbows. They love each other very much and are very good friends. _

'A polite, but vague answer, Miss Granger. Now, Ron, why did you snort just then?'

'Because Hermione came to school with the first year texts memorized.'

_Hermione is a first class bore. _

'And how does that relate to Harry?'

'Well, she obviously knew all about the magical world. She knew more about Harry than Harry knew about Harry.'

_Hermione Granger researched Harry Potter before ever boarding the Hogwarts Express. It was her great ambition to meet the boy. _

'I see. Ron, would you care to elaborate on Hermione's thoughts about developing strengths and weaknesses?'

'Well, Harry has the most magical power, I'd reckon, and Hermione is prepared for anything.'

_In the trio's rainbow world of hearts and performing monkeys, they each have a specific part of the team membership. _

Rita was getting a bit frustrated. Anyone could see that these three had a special relationship and had their niche in the team, blah, blah, blah. It was almost as if the two had rehearsed what to say. She would need to switch gears.

'Hermione, would you say Harry is one sexy beast or would you say that he is a smooth, but dashing gentleman?'

'Oh! I, uh, suppose some would say he is one sexy beast and some would say he is smooth and dashing, but for me he is nothing but a gentleman and a good friend,' she responded carefully, while looking sideways at Ron. Rita smiled. The Quick-Quotes Quill was finally picking up on some quotes worthy for her story.

_Hermione blushes at the shock of having to admit that Harry Potter is one sexy beast. She struggles between her physical attraction to Harry and her emotional attraction to Ron Weasley, who she finds to be something of a stallion. _

'How do the three of you deal with the aftermath of your traumatic and at times suicidal adventures?' Rita asked.

'We usually sit by whoever ends up in the hospital wing,' Ron answered as if this were the most obvious conclusion in the world.

_Torrents of tears flow from our eyes and people can feel the palpable pain in our hearts as we wait vigil by the hospital bedside of our fallen friend._

'It's true, we do visit each other in the hospital wing. We also bring each other missed homework and do what we can to make the other person feel more cheerful. We don't need to talk about what happened because we instinctively feel what the other person is thinking. That also makes it easier to comfort each other, because we went through whatever 'adventure' together. We also know each other well enough to know that Harry will come to us when he is ready, but that he just needs to know that we are there for him. Ron likes to dramatize things a bit,' Hermione said with a smirk in his direction.

_Harry likes to suppress his emotions, letting them brew inside his already unstable brain, waiting for the inevitable surge of release. Ron likes to take Harry's place in the spotlight by glorifying the events and placing himself in the forefront of all activities. _

'Fine, fine. I suppose it would be more prudent to ask how you three always manage to find such trouble.'

'We don't find trouble. We know that there is something threatening the wizarding world and we do what we can to prevent it," Hermione responded defiantly.

_In gumdrop land, the trio never seeks trouble's waiting grip. Trouble beckons them. _

'With all due respect, you three were mere children when you began your adventures together. How could you tell there was danger? Why did you not trust the authority to deal with it?'

'We weren't blind. Even eleven year olds know that when someone breaks into a Gringotts' vault; or when our trusted authority and professors build a maze of magical tasks to guard a stone that can make you live forever; or when someone inside Hogwarts turns the Tri-wizard Cup into a Portkey to a cemetery where V-Voldemort is, that something is wrong.' Rita narrowed her eyes a bit when Ron mentioned that name. 'Why not go to the authority? Because last year, Death Eaters infiltrated the so called authority — the Ministry of Magic. Because the authority gave detentions where you carved lines into your hand with your own blood. Dumbledore trusted Harry's word and his weird connection with V-Voldemort when no one else did. I bet you know all about that connection since you have your rubbishy A-Class Pensieve search permit. Dumbledore was all the authority we needed.'

_We were smart children who knew to read the signs of danger. We also used Harry as a means to tap into You-Know-Who's head and figure out where the danger lie. Unfortunately, we didn't think full fledged wizarding adults would believe us, so we kept this information to ourselves, confident in our abilities to seize the day. We were lucky several times over. _

'Well, uh, thank you Ron. You have certainly made a believer out of me. I suppose you wouldn't mind telling me about your dealings with Sirius Black?'

'Sirius was a good man and Harry's godfather. He wanted nothing but Harry's safety and happiness.' Hermione's answer sounded a lot like those rehearsed answers from the beginning of the conversation.

_Harry's godfather, Sirius Black, influenced Harry. _

'If he was thought to be an escaped convict, then how did you come into contact with him?' Rita pressed.

'In our third year, we found out that our Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor Lupin was friends with Sirius and Harry's dad while they were at school. Sirius escaped from Azkaban in our third year — where he was put in there for a crime he didn't do. Professor Lupin didn't know Sirius was innocent at the time, so we suppose that Sirius thought this would be a good time to meet Harry and let Professor Lupin know exactly what happened. He found us.'

Rita found Ron's answer a little sketchy and sensed that there was something they weren't telling her.

_Escaped convict, Sirius Black, pursued Harry as well as the Hogwarts staff. Rumour has it that Black is innocent of all charges. _

'So what did Black tell you when he 'found you'?'

'He told us the truth. He told us that after Voldemort killed Harry's parents, he confronted Peter Pettigrew and accused him of telling Voldemort where Harry's parents were hiding. Sirius was supposed to be the Potters' Secret-Keeper, but convinced Pettigrew to switch with him at the last minute. Sirius thought that he would be the obvious choice,' said Hermione.

_In a shocking, twisted scandal, James and Lily's other best friend, Peter Pettigrew, ratted them out and practically delivered the Potters to You-Know-Who. Sirius Black confronted Pettigrew in a dramatic show down. _

'Sirius said that Pettigrew pointed his wand behind his back and killed all the people behind him, and then cut off his own finger. Pettigrew escaped and Sirius was left standing there in shock. That's when Sirius was caught and falsely accused of killing all those people in the street,' Ron finished.

_The villain of our tale, Peter Pettigrew, chopped himself to bits, leaving Sirius Black to take the heat for this vicious crime. _

'That must have been quite a shock.'

'Obviously,' said Hermione. Rita looked at her watch and noted that she, regrettably, had to make an appearance at a ladies social hour for her weekly social commentary. It was time to start wrapping this session up.

'So, if you wouldn't mind indulging me, with a group of best friends — two boys and one girl — has there ever been romantic competition?' She smirked when Hermione and Ron blushed and looked away from each other.

_When asked about romantic trysts between the three, no answer is needed, for their body language reveals all. _

'We didn't have romantic competition. I never had any feelings for Harry, and he and Ron both knew that. We were strictly good friends. They certainly never fancied me that way.' Hermione said briskly.

_Hermione was a bookish beauty, but that obviously didn't appeal to Harry. She harboured secret feelings for Ron and only hoped he returned them. She tried to use her feminine wiles on her two best friends, but to no avail. _

'I did fancy you that way…but then you went for the really good Quidditch players,' Rita heard Ron mumble to Hermione.

_Ron wanted to declare his undying love to Hermione, yet the unknowing bookworm only wanted fame, fortune, and really good Quidditch players._

'That's rich, I left you plenty of opportunities to show you that I cared for you. And you are a really good Quidditch player!'

_Hermione slashed her arm dramatically in the air as if proving with one gesture that Ron was the only boy for her tortured heart._

'Opportunities? Like what? Slughorn's party?'

_My darling, if you wanted me so desperately, you had only but to say it out loud. A party was not an opportunity in my eyes! _Rita snickered to herself as she noticed her Quick-Quotes Quill. Its transcriptions were nothing short of a cheesy romance novel. This would all make excellent material.

'Opportunities like me packing your clothes in that beaded bag in case we had to go on the run — like we did! How about when I paced and paced after we picked Harry up from the Dursleys' last year and were all attacked by Death Eaters? You could have died! You said it just last week that things work better for us when we don't say anything, because we just know…'

_I let my heart dictate my actions! I worry about you! I show you how I can be domestic and womanly! Is this not appreciated? My heart is in your hands! _The Quill danced across the parchment feverishly, and Rita was more than happy to let Hermione and Ron argue with no interruptions.

'You packed my jeans that are too tight! I wasn't there to see you pace and pace because I was dueling with Death Eaters midair and then Tonks and I had to deal with Auntie Muriel fussing over us. When you gave those opportunities, I was just a bit preoccupied with escaping Death Eaters! But does that matter now? I mean…'

_I would wear tight pants for you any day, baby! The tighter, the better. The only time I'm not thinking about you is when I am saving the world and slaying Death Eaters. I will take care of your heart if you will take care of mine!_

'It should matter just a little, I was worried about you! Well, I guess it shouldn't matter too much now. I suppose since you read that book the twins gave you, that you should have a better handle on, er, romantic situations,' Hermione said.

_I love you! But my love for you can not prevent the fact that you are still a prat. A true gentleman would not mock a fair lady's worry. _

'How do you know about the book?' Ron sounded startled.

_Take me I'm yours! Wait — is there concern that I have been enlightening myself with educational material?_

Rita cleared her throat. The situation was quickly devolving and these two were being ridiculously predictable in their back and forth. Such like a romance novel. Maybe she was paying more attention to the Quill's rendition of the conversation than to their actual comments.

'I do hate to break up what I'm sure would be a most entertaining display of affection, but it seems that I have what I need for now. I will be in touch if I require more material.' Hermione and Ron blushed and stood up as Rita began to gather her notes.

'I will send you corrections for this last chapter,' Hermione said brusquely.

'See that you do. Thank you both for your cooperation today. It has been most educational,' Rita said as she shook their hands in turn.

She tucked her notes safely in her bag and smirked as she thought about her next chapter and the great material she now had for it. What to call it? _Harry's Sidekicks? _No, that was too cliché. _Potter's Pals? _No, that just didn't have the right ring to it. Oh well, it would come to her sooner or later. As she was closing the door, she heard the last tidbits of their argument.

'Who told you about the book?' Ron sounded angry but there was a definite nervous undertone.

'The book doesn't matter. We should be more worried about how easy that interview was and why Rita abruptly took off.'

'Did you spy on me? Did the twins say something?'

'I thought we didn't have secrets, so I'll say once again — the book doesn't matter!' Hermione was starting to lose it. Rita put her ear back up to the door. The ladies' social hour could wait a moment.

'So you spied because you thought I had a secret,' Ron said triumphantly.

'Honestly, Ron. A spy! Is that what you think? I'll show you…'

_Hiss_

Rita darted forward, narrowly avoiding Crookshanks as he jumped toward her head. She straightened out her designer robes and glared at the scruff ball. Now she would never know what Hermione was going to show Ron. But it did give her some ideas.

* * *

_A/n: Thank you to everyone who was patient with me. There seemed to be a real life epidemic that caught hold of me. Thank you to everyone who took the time to leave a review. They are always appreciated! A huge thanks to by beta __**PigWithHair**__, and I'm just appalled that Rita went and abused your name like that. Shame on her, but it is comforting to know that Ron will be earning a lot of kisses out of this situation for defending poor Crookshanks. Also, a huge thanks to __**Jamy98**__ for giving me inspiration to write what is now one of my favourite scenes. _


	5. Chp 4: Who are Ron and Hermione?

_Hermione,_

_It was most inspiring to speak with Harry's two best friends. I hope this next chapter properly catches the spirit of the famous trio. If not, I'm certain you will be there to correct it._

_Rita_

CHAPTER FOUR: WHO ARE RON AND HERMIONE?

Perhaps the most important influence in anyone's life is the friends with whom they choose to surround themselves with. I had the privilege of having an in-depth chat with two pivotal people in Harry's life: Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. People know Ron as just another Weasley, the lanky boy always following Harry, and above all else, the best friend. We know Hermione as the most intelligent witch of her generation, the bushy-haired girl always swooning over Harry and the third member of the legendary trio. Yet, who are these sidekicks?

Let's start with Ron Weasley. We all know that he is sired from a rather long line of ginger-headed Gryffindors. We also are aware of the unfortunate monetary status of the family, evidenced by the deplorably empty state of the family's Gringotts vault. Perhaps this can be attributed to the fact that Arthur and Molly Weasley gave birth to their oldest son a mere four months after they sat their final NEWT exam. This can be further evidenced by their promise to donate one of their eldest sons to conduct highly dangerous experiments in a dragon research camp in Romania in exchange for extra pocket money. When this didn't prove to be enough to compensate for their financial strain, they kicked another son out of the house and forced him to work for the Minister of Magic, personally. This particular son was required to send monetary support to his parents.

Hermione Granger comes to us from a traditional Muggle upbringing. Traditional Muggles live in near-identical homes to avoid the unusual, they shop in places where all of the premises are in an indoor facility, and they play a sport called football where they use their feet to move one ball. Since we know Miss Granger is a traditional Muggle, we can assume that her family maintains a moderate income as one of Britain's middle-class. Her parents are practitioners of an archaic Muggle tradition of collecting teeth. They call it dentistry, which often requires the victim to be gassed so they won't feel the pain. Some might find this unconventional at best, but there is no evidence that Hermione follows in her parent's spiritual beliefs.

But let's look beyond the cold, hard facts, shall we?

Ron is a passionate creature, a doggedly loyal defender, extraordinary wandsman, and lovable sidekick. He enjoys a midnight fly to feel the wind sweeping through his hair, he likes lavender Pygmy Puffs, and he harbours a secret ambition to win _Witch Weekly's_ next 'Most Outrageously Sexy Wizard' award. In his free time he assists the Chudley Cannon's Fan Club President in answering fan mail. Food and designer dress robes are the way into this young man's heart.

But, keep your wands to yourselves, witches! This steamy young catch is spoken for by one Hermione Granger. Hermione is a fervent scholar, purveyor of random facts, frequent bookstore patron, ridiculously clever girl, and ardent defender of all she holds dear. She crusades for the house-elves of old traditional families, trains un-trainable giants, has contemplated opening a psychic practice, and at the end of the day, rewards herself with a quick trip to Tina's Tart Attire. She particularly fancies really good Quidditch players. But before all of you Snitch seekers grab your Beater's bats and polish your broomsticks, you should know that the way into this witch's heart is to get past her two bodyguard best friends, first!

Before we get into the romance, let's take a quick trip back into time to when the trio first met aboard the Hogwarts Express. Ron remembers how Hermione found him seated in a private compartment with Harry. Harry would not see fit to travel in any more crowded conditions. Harry was attempting to teach Ron a spell which would not work for the young Weasley. This is where Hermione entered the compartment, under the ruse of looking for Neville Longbottom's lost toad. Hermione took great interest in meeting the famous Harry Potter, but had little time for Ron Weasley who, with his dirty face, did not practice good personal hygiene.

After this, Hermione herself tells us that the three did not become close until an incident during their first year involving a troll, _Wingardium Leviosa_ and the loo.

'It was the most horrifying experience of my life, mostly because this was before I had firmly secured a place in the trio's membership. The three of us have a set of strengths and weaknesses and we protect each other using those strengths and knowing those weaknesses.'

At this point of the interview, Hermione had been gushing about the merits of the trio for nearly an hour. I'm most certainly sure that she wouldn't remember a time before the three were friends. As Neville Longbottom tells it, the boys weren't able to stomach Hermione before this troll incident. Neville had to watch a socially challenged Harry and an arrogant Ron grossly neglect this special and talented girl. No doubt Harry just wasn't trained how to interact with a member of the opposite sex. It is most likely that Hermione repressed the gruesome memories of how she was treated, and she only remembers their friendship from this particular point in time.

'So I went to the bathroom to freshen up, so I wouldn't look a fright, when I saw Harry and Ron again. Then, this massive troll lumbers into the bathroom and I try to hide. After he swings his club around and smashes everything in sight, I'm not really left with many places to go. Just as I'm about to die, Harry and Ron rush into the bathroom and save me from a most certain death. We have been inseparable ever since.'

While friendship came in the form of a troll, romantic entanglements would eventually plague the trio and shift the balance of their group. My loyal readers will most likely remember how a fourth year Hermione went shamelessly after both Victor Krum and Harry Potter at the same time. Those closest to the trio can note that Ron would not speak to Harry or Hermione during this period of time. Hermione's choice of men most definitely confirms her dedication to really good Quidditch players.

Hermione would eventually break the hearts of these two most eligible men, starting first with Victor Krum. After a disastrous evening at the Tri-wizard Tournament Yule Ball in her fourth year, Hermione declared that she could never love Krum. Reliable sources say he persistently pursued this young heartbreaker to no avail. After Krum, Hermione then dashed poor, emotionally distraught Harry's hopes of ever finding the forever kind of love that he desperately needed.

In my exclusive interview with Ron and Hermione, Hermione blushed at the shock of having to admit that Harry Potter is one sexy beast. She still struggles between her physical attraction to Harry and her emotional attraction to Ron Weasley, who she finds to be something of a stallion.

'Any one of us who ever had to listen to Ron and Hermione scream at each other knew that this was just their immature way of dealing with suppressed sexual tension,' a good friend and classmate Parvati Patil proclaimed. As an authority on relationships, Patil can proudly say that she could read their not-so-subtle signs and see an eventual courtship coming.

'My good friend, Lavender Brown and I always knew that Harry just needed a good distraction, after Hermione rejected him in fourth year. Her stunt with Victor Krum really tore Ron and Harry to bits. Harry took a fancy to Ron's little sister and spent a good deal of time watching her when he thought Ron wasn't watching. It was such a good thing that Lavender distracted Ron when Harry and Ginny first got together. Ron gets a little jealous. You see, Lavender and Ron became something of an item and it was a pretty hot relationship before Hermione eventually wore Ron down. Some guys go for the bookworm thing and others just don't. Harry is the type of man who needs something more to hold his attention.'

Your humble author was tickled to stumble across this particular golden nugget of information. Harry and Ron's little sister? Unfortunately this does not play a part in getting to know Ron and Hermione, so this juicy little tidbit will have to wait for a further chapter.

This brings us back to the fact that Hermione was a bookish beauty, but that obviously didn't appeal to Harry. She harboured secret feelings for Ron and only hoped he returned them. She tried to use her feminine wiles on her two best friends, but to no avail.

'Oh, Hermione once had a terrible fancy for Seamus Finnegan,' Parvati revealed excitedly. Finnegan was yet another classmate of the trio. 'She really liked that ladies man thing and that sexy Irish brogue Seamus has.'

It seems that with all young love, there was resolution for Ron and Hermione in this tragically juvenile unrequited love saga. There would be relief from the torture their friends endured as they watched these two struggle with their feelings. Ron secretly fancied Hermione. Neville Longbottom was one of the many unfortunate people who got caught in the crossfire of one of Ron and Hermione's famous rows.

'I guess Ron always liked Hermione. I mean, he always talked about her, and he was really protective of her. He looked for her every morning when we came into the common room.' Neville seemed uncomfortable under my careful scrutiny of the Ron/Hermione situation.

'Yeah, the two rowed a lot and it was always loud, but they would make up pretty quickly afterwards. They rowed over everything — their pets, their homework, Harry and a lot of things that never made sense.'

They argued over Harry? It made me pause and think for a second, yet I feel compelled to quell any possible distress now and emphasize that Ron never fancied Harry, and Harry never fancied Ron. Harry seemingly never fancied Hermione after the ill-fated heartbreak in their fourth year.

It is my professional belief that Ron and Hermione are two passionate people who take pleasure in unleashing their inner affections upon each other in exceptionally odd ways. During my private interview with the two, Ron declared to Hermione that, and I quote, 'I would wear tight jeans for you any day, baby! The tighter, the better. The only time I'm not thinking about you is when I am saving the world and slaying Death Eaters_._'

After this memorable image of Ron in tight jeans manifested our conversation, the chat quickly deteriorated into a massive row over a forbidden book. At first, I was very much excited to witness firsthand one of these legendary displays of harsh words with underlying romantic banter.

Yet, as the row took a more disturbing turn, it could only leave me aghast at the accusations flying about. Is Hermione a spy? Does Ron read questionable adult material? Hermione does not like secrets between the two of them. Ron was most decidedly upset over any mention of the book. Is Harry somehow involved? Is this some old possession of You-Know-Who that the trio is not sharing with the rest of the world?

I was interrupted from discovering the answers as Hermione and Ron's Death Eater catching and guardian pet tried to maul my head. I was alert and intelligent enough to take the not so subtle non-verbal clue and bid good night to the lovers.

So, where are these two today, and what are their immediate plans? Today, they are living together in a modest flat. The décor indicates that Hermione wears the trousers in this relationship — the walls are painted in pastels, there are feminine products strewn about the bathroom, and the bookshelves hold copies of Italian romance novels and cookbooks.

I understand that the two would like to be engaged and that the youngest Weasley brother might be soliciting donations to afford the ring that Hermione deserves. However, this is mere speculation.

Both are understandably occupied with recovering from the war, but there is gossip that Ron will follow Harry in whatever career pursuit Harry chooses. Hermione, being more independent, will undoubtedly go into law or perhaps professional editing.

So, why the emphasis on their explosive romance? I hope to leave the reader with an appropriate impression of their dynamic so that you can all sympathize for Harry. On top of everything that Harry had to deal with, what with the weight of the world crushing down upon his shoulders, he also had to listen to his two best mates squabble all around him. Without a doubt, these arguments placed Harry in the middle, having to referee and mediate. Ron and Hermione should have considered Harry's delicate mental balance and acted more as social role models.

How much did these friends affect Harry's unstable mind and stunt his social growth? I'll let you decide.

* * *

_Dear Rita,_

_Thanks for that glimpse into my life. I was most intrigued to learn about Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. But wait — I __**am**__ Hermione Granger, and I know the real Ron Weasley. I admit I was a bit confused at first, but I have come up with some edits that should clarify our identities. We wouldn't want the readers to be confused too, would we? _

_First of all, Ron is not just another Weasley. He is his own individual, quite unique when compared to his siblings. _

_Ron and I are not interested in publishing personal ads about ourselves, which is how your mini biographies sounded. Your descriptions of us make us sound like we are in some pageant. I don't like this._

_Quotes — you must be greatly mistaken if you think that I will let you get away with using Quick-Quote Quill quotes instead of what I actually said. In fact, there are things in there that I don't even remember saying. Not to mention that I never refer to the three of us as 'the trio.' To save you the trouble of having to re-interview us, I made a transcription of what was actually said when you talked to us. You can replace embellished quotes with material from the transcription. _

_SEAMUS! – You must be joking. I never fancied him or any other man with any Irish brogue! _

_Ginny — Ron's little sister has a name, and that name is Ginny. But, you better not exploit her relationship with Harry. _

_Rows — I don't think this is any of your business! It's a fact yes, but not open to your interpretation. _

_MY flat — when did you go to my bathroom? When did you ask where Ron lives? You didn't. Ron lives with Harry in THEIR flat across town. Note that in your changes. Oh, I do not 'wear the trousers,' thank you very much! _

_Engaged — I hardly think so. And Ron's finances are none of your concern and will not be mentioned. The Weasley's finances are none of your business either, and they should be treated with respect. _

_Harry — we never put him in the middle or did anything to emotionally scar him. _

* * *

'So Ron and Hermione aren't speaking? At all? They haven't gone that long without speaking to each other since, well, since Lavender,' Harry commented to Ginny after hearing her story. He remembered Ron stomping into their flat, slamming doors and muttering something about books. It could only mean Hermione. Yet, after three days of that, added to the fact that Ron never left the flat and Hermione never came to visit, the situation seemed direr than he originally thought.

'I know what you mean,' Ginny said as she poured Harry some tea. 'I was tired of Ron storming about so I went to talk to Hermione. I knew she would tell me what happened.'

'And it started after Rita Skeeter interviewed them? What did Skeeter say?'

'No, it started during the interview,' Ginny corrected. 'That Skeeter cow had the nerve to ask them about romantic triangles between the three of you.'

'What? We were never romantic!'

'I know that, but I think that cow just wanted to provoke them. So Hermione told that Skeeter woman that you boys never fancied her, and that she never fancied you. Plain and simple.'

'Apparently not so simple,' Harry said dryly. He leaned back in his chair and took a sip of his tea.

'Well, let's just say that Skeeter beetle let them argue about it unrestrained for a while.'

'So they're embarrassed for having at each other in front of the Skeeter beetle, as you say?'

'No, I think it started when Hermione said something about a book, and Ron freaked out about that,' Ginny said calmly.

'Which book? Hermione reads lots of them.'

'This would be the book that my brothers have been passing around, and I believe it is now in your possession?' Ginny was looking very carefully at him. He sputtered on his sip of tea and hoped she didn't notice.

'A book from your brothers?' He asked using the smile he knew would convince any reporter of his innocence but unfortunately would never fool Ginny.

'Oh, I think you know which book I'm talking about. The one about how to charm witches? Ring any bells?'

He knew exactly which book she was referring to, and he never had any intention of letting her know he had that book in his possession. He had a couple of choices and was rapidly trying to think about which one would distract Ginny permanently from any connection to him and that book while forcing the conversation back to Ron and Hermione.

'Oh, _that_ book. I think I remember something Ron gave me a while ago. Its just one of those things that Ron tossed my way one day, but I'm not going to read it.' There, that ought to do it. Ginny was looking at him, and he didn't like the way she was scrutinizing him.

'Well, I was going to say something about that thing you did the other day in the broom shed. It was something similar to what George once referred to as 'the sweet magic of chapter three.' But, I should have never doubted your romantic abilities. Of course you don't need a book to know exactly how to charm a witch,' she said cheerfully — a little too cheerfully.

Before he could even think of how to respond to that, Ginny mercifully picked back up on the whole Ron and Hermione situation.

'Well, all of that aside, Hermione also brought up that Ron didn't care that she packed clothes for you boys in some beaded bag, while you went away last year.'

'Ah, that was a right handy bag,' was all Harry could think to say.

'I think she mentioned that Ron was daft.'

'Well, she says that a lot, but she never means it. For long, anyways.'

'Oh. She was really worked up about Ron being an insensitive prat. She said something about him abandoning you both last year?'

'That wasn't a good time for any of us,' Harry said quietly.

'She said that he didn't even stop when she called his name. He just ignored her and that even with the locket he still should have talked to her.'

'That's something you would have to ask Ron about,' Harry said, knowing that Ron was still uncomfortable with that situation.

'I see. Well, she wasn't happy when Ron fought with her about the Slug Christmas party.'

'Didn't she go with that McLaggen guy?'

'I think so. Then she said that he brought up Victor Krum.'

'Yup, he's doomed,' Harry said.

'I'm not too worried. They can sit and stew for a little while longer, and then they'll come to their senses.'

'A little while longer might turn out to be a lot longer than you think. You realize that Hermione laid it all on the table. They covered about every little niggling thing between them.'

'Don't they do that every time they open their mouths?' Ginny asked.

'I think this time they finally need to resolve some of those things,' Harry replied.

Maybe there was something that Ginny and he could do to speed things along. But then again these were two stubborn and independent people he was thinking of, and Ginny was right. They would figure it out on their own terms.

Pig took this opportunity to interrupt their conversation with some shrill hoots and enthusiastic tapping on the window. Harry sighed and stood up to relieve the poor owl of its need to make its delivery. Pig came with a letter addressed to Ginny, from Hermione. She took her time reading it and then flung the first page of her extraordinarily long letter in his direction.

_Ginny,_

_While I still don't understand why Ron won't just own up to that stupid book, I thought I should still show this to him. Its Rita's chapter about Ron and I, and its absolutely horrid! I crossed out the top part where Rita wrote that Ron was just another Weasley. Even though he's a prat, I figured that he didn't need to read that. _

_You and Harry can read it if you like, but be sure to pass it on to Ron. I've already taken care of the edits._

_Hermione_

Ginny was well into the chapter by the time he finished Hermione's letter. He could tell by the amused look on her face.

'It seems that my brother wants to be _Witch Weekly's_ next 'Most Outrageously Sexy Wizard!'' Ginny exclaimed with glee.

'And Hermione shops at Tina's Tart Attire,' Harry added as he read over her shoulder, amused at the very thought of that.

Ginny snorted. 'She once told me that even Lavender and Parvati find that place trashy.'

'You know, Ginny, this chapter could be just the thing to get them talking again. There are some pretty smug remarks about them.'

'Hey! We're mentioned too! Lavender was such a good friend and distracted Ron while you snogged Ron's little sister. I don't deserve a name in this story, but at lease Ron only has one little sister or else there might be confusion.' Harry wasn't sure if she was even listening to him anymore.

'Well, that's not something Ron is going to particularly appreciate,' he said. 'I wonder what he'll make of all of this?'

'Wonder what I'll make of what?' Ron asked. He stomped into the room, just as grumpy as he was three days ago. In all actuality, his best mate looked downright miserable.

'Why is Pig here?' he asked as he tried to coax the owl to stop flying around their heads. 'Why can't he just nap during the day like most normal owls?'

'Well to answer all of your questions in one, Hermione sent over that vile Skeeter beetle's chapter about you and her. It's pretty entertaining, and she thought that you should have a look,' Ginny said, obviously ignoring Ron's sour mood.

Ron just grunted and started reading the copy. Harry watched Ron's face contort into several different emotions as he read more of the chapter. His frown grew deeper than it had been and then twisted into an amused grin. That quickly disappeared into an open-eyed shock followed by an unreadable expression. Perhaps he had found the part about Hermione wearing the trousers in their relationship.

'Hermione didn't bring this over herself?' Ron asked, still wearing an unreadable expression.

'No, but she did send a letter for me. I think she wants you to go over and help her edit,' Ginny said. She was giving Harry an odd expression, the kind that he knew he was supposed to just follow her lead, but he wasn't sure which direction she was going in. He only hoped Ron didn't catch the silent interaction.

'She does?' Ron asked in doubt.

'I don't see why you shouldn't. You have every right to help her sort through that load of rubbish. What if Hermione forgot to delete the part about you liking lavender Pygmy Puffs?' said Ginny. Ron's expression was still unreadable, but he definitely wasn't grumpy anymore.

'Hermione wouldn't want my help, I'm sure she has it all taken care of in accordance to her grand master plan,' Ron muttered.

'Well, she said in her letter that she wasn't going to touch that bit about you being a stallion. I think she rather liked that. But, it wouldn't hurt to follow the row recovery example given in chapter six of that "how to charm a witch" book that you gave to Harry.' Ginny spoke soothingly, but he saw the mischief in her eyes. Ron raised an eyebrow in his direction, and he did his best to put that innocent smile back on his face. It did little more to fool Ron than it did to fool Ginny.

'I think what Ginny is trying to say is that you just need to go apologize for whatever happened, admit to the book, and do whatever it is you two do so that you can go back to counting kisses,' Harry said, still maintaining the innocent expression.

'Bloody hell, how do you know about the kiss counting?'

'We think its sweet, don't we Harry?' Ginny said with a smirk. 'Oh, and I would definitely try some of the 'sweet magic of chapter three' while you're at it. Harry and I had a good time with that in the broom shed.'

'I never did anything from chapter three with your sister in any broom shed of any kind,' Harry said quickly.

'So you have read the book!' Ginny said triumphantly.

'You took my sister to a broom shed!'

'He also has taken me to the Burrow's Quidditch pitch, a cupboard, and the Wheezes back store room.'

'I don't want to know where he takes you.'

'Harry's very creative.'

'He better not have taken you to, uh, any bedrooms, alone…' Ron said, giving Harry a look.

'You and Hermione count kisses,' Harry said hurriedly, trying to point the direction of the conversation away from him and Ginny and back towards Hermione. He realized a little too late that his observation only served to make him look guilty.

'About that — what number are you on now?' Ginny asked.

'Fine, you win, I will go talk to Hermione,' Ron said, his face and neck bright red.

'Don't forget chapters three and six!' Ginny called after Ron as he prepared to Disapparate.

* * *

Three hours later, Ron still hadn't returned from Hermione's flat which could either mean that they were in the midst of one horrific fight, or that they actually were utilizing chapters three and six of that book. Harry knew that they wouldn't fight forever and would eventually come to some sort of truce, but at the same time he hoped that Ginny hadn't sent Ron right into the lion's den, so to speak.

Either way, he was definitely not expecting Ginny to be thrown into her own lion's den. She opened the window to a rather shrewd looking owl that strutted along the back of the sofa until they fed it the special mix owl treats that came enclosed with the letter.

'It's from the beetle,' she muttered, pulling out the letter.

_Dear Ms. Ginny Weasley,_

_I had the most wonderful chat with your older brother and was hoping I might solicit an interview with you as well. I find your family to be extremely important to the wizarding world and to Harry's life. I'm sure you agree that the waiting public has a right to be similarly acquainted with the lot of you. _

_I would be honoured if you would accept my offer of an interview. I feel it fair to let you know that since I am pressed for time, I will only be able to interview a select few from your rather large family. It is with greatest regrets that I had to pick and choose, and I will be asking those not selected to send me written testimonies of their experience with Harry and other matters._

_If you will not be able to accept my invitation, I must know as quickly as possible so that I may arrange an interview with a different Weasley, and so that I can send to you my list of questions I would like for you to address in your written testimonial. _

_Regards,_

_Rita Skeeter_

Ginny snorted, and Harry tried to smother a laugh.

'I don't know if I should be flattered or not,' Ginny said wryly.

'Written testimonials? I wonder which of you lucky few she picked,' Harry said.

'She better not bother George,' Ginny said quietly, and Harry felt a little tension begin to rise.

'If she does, she'll hear from Hermione and me. Not to mention everyone else from your rather large family,' Harry said firmly, knowing that he needed to reassure himself just as much as Ginny.

'Good. I think I'd rather like to talk with her in person and keep it on my own terms,' Ginny said abruptly, and reached for some parchment to reply to Rita.

Harry couldn't help but think that Rita was the one getting in over her head. With Hermione and Ginny watching her every move, he knew Rita would definitely get a good run for her money.

* * *

It was way too early in the morning. He had no idea how Ginny and he fell asleep on the sofa, but he knew that Ron wouldn't particularly care to see that sight. He stood up stiffly, and scooped Ginny up. If one of them were going to be comfortable tonight, it might as well be her. She could sleep in his room, and he would return to the sofa. But wait? Why would he have to go anywhere? What Ron didn't know wouldn't kill him. He even said that as long as he didn't have to know about, hear about, or see anything about Ginny and him, that life would be great.

He placed Ginny on his bed and heard noises back in the kitchen. It was still too early in the morning, especially for Ron to be back. He figured that if Hermione and he hadn't caused some apocalyptic event by now, that they had peacefully reconciled and would be spending the night in her flat.

Harry went back down to the kitchen and found Ron sitting in a daze. He sat down opposite him and wondered if he should make tea or get food, or something.

'Blimey Harry, did you know she wanted to snog me since fifth year?' Ron asked, still in his daze.

'Ron, did you know Lockhart is a duffer?' Harry couldn't help but ask.

'No really! Why didn't you tell me, then?'

'And miss hearing you two take it out of each other?'

'It's not likely that any of that would have changed.'

'Not much time to argue if you are snogging, mate,' Harry said, definitely deciding that they needed something stronger than tea if they were really going to have this conversation. He stood up and poured them each a measure of Firewhisky.

'So where have you been? Hermione's this whole time?' Harry asked.

'At Hermione's this whole time,' Ron confirmed.

'Why are you here then?' Harry asked.

'We figured out some stuff, and then she said she had something to take care of. She'll be over for breakfast in a bit.'

'You figured stuff out. That's good then,' Harry said.

'Yeah, it's good. She needed to talk, I needed to listen, and we both needed to work things out. Like Krum. Since when did she get over fancying him? Or McLaggen. Did you know she only asked him to Slughorn's party because of Lavender? She wanted to make _me_ jealous. Girls are barmy, Harry.'

'Sounds like you need more Firewisky,' Harry snickered.

'But you know when I left you and Hermione, and then there was that locket, and I really didn't…'

'Its ok, mate. I know,' Harry said.

'Blimey, we just covered everything in ten minutes. It took Hermione and me all night,' Ron said, looking relieved.

'But I'm sure you lost track of your kiss counting sometime during your talk,' Harry said with a smirk. Harry grinned as Ron raised his glass and nodded in his direction.

* * *

_a/n: Ah, Rita. She's her own kind of special. A huge thanks to __**PigWithHair**__ over at checkmated (dot) com, who keeps this story in check. Also, a special thanks to __**jamy98**__ and __**worldsapart**__ for helping me turn Rita from polite but annoying, to scummy beetle extraordinaire. I really appreciate all the time these ladies have put into my story! If you want to read a well-writen and intriguing story, hop over to **worldsapart**'s author page here at FF (dot) net. There are some good reads that I recommend. _

_Thank you so much to Princess Ava, TiffanyM, andii, TwilightsCalling, and cc222 for reviewing this last go around. I really appreciate your kind words and feedback! _


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